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(Last week’s ranking in parentheses)

1. Denver Broncos. Peyton Manning greater than Keyser Soze. (1)

2. New Orleans Saints. Jimmy Graham is Aaron Hernandez plus 5 inches and minus the orange jumpsuit. (4)

3. Indianapolis Colts. Peyton vs. Andrew next week. (5)

4. Seattle Seahawks. Hawks averaging 317 yards, Colts 423. (2)

5. San Francisco 49ers. Desperate for a No. 2 WR threat. (6)

6. Kansas City Chiefs. True KC fans still despise ex-Raider Ben Davidson. (7)

7. Baltimore Ravens. Rice has lost 5 fumbles in last 8 games. (13)

8. Cincinnati Bengals. Offense more conservative than Wally Cox. (17)

9. New England Patriots. To paraphrase Gisele: My husband can’t throw and catch. (3)

10. Green Bay Packers. Clay Matthews is not on PEDs. (12).

11. Detroit Lions. Fantasy owners monitoring Calvin Johnson this morning. (9)

12. Chicago Bears. Rose should have played in playoffs. (10)

13. Miami Dolphins. Gave up 6 sacks, 11 hurries last week. (8)

14. Dallas Cowboys. Every team had a sack last week – except ’Boys. (18)

15. N.Y. Jets. David Harris is a bad man. (20)

16. Tennessee Titans. Pressure on Fitz; Titans won’t run on SEA. (11)

17. Houston Texans. Only team that can match points with Peyton is Baylor. (14)

18. Cleveland Browns. Look like 11 UPS drivers in hideous all-browns. (19)

19. Minnesota Vikings. Cassel a step up from Ponder. (23)

20: Arizona Cardinals. A saguaro cactus lives 200 years. (25)

21. Oakland Raiders. Norman Chad: It’s safer to go to a Manson family reunion than a Raider game. (28)

22. San Diego Chargers. Rivers passed John Hadl on SD TD pass list (202). (15)

23. Washington Redskins. Defense ranks 32nd. (21)

24. St. Louis Rams. Offense should be ranked better than 29th. (26)

25. Philadelphia Eagles. Suddenly Chip Kelly is the dean of Philly pro coaches. (27)

26. Atlanta Falcons. Injury bug running wild with Jones gone for year. (16)

27. Buffalo Bills. One of the Apostles was named Thad. (22)

28. Carolina Panthers. O-line was whipped by Cards. (24)

29. N.Y. Giants. Worst start since linebacker Brad Van Pelt was best player. (29)

30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. No. 32 in passing. (30)

31. Pittsburgh Steelers. After last 40 years, any Steeler fan who complains should be forced to watch Bills-Browns from ’09 in its entirety. (31)

32. Jacksonville Jaguars. In sympathy to London fans, NFL to have soccer-style running clock for Jags-Niners in 2 weeks at Wembley. (32)