The Buffalo News - Life and Arts http://www.buffalonews.com Latest stories from The Buffalo News en-us Wed, 22 May 2013 13:46:07 -0400 Wed, 22 May 2013 13:46:07 -0400 <![CDATA[ Cook of the Month: Bert Gambini cooks up a storm ]]> http://www.buffalonews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20130522/LIFE01/130529816/1057
Looking back now, that was where his love of cooking began, but they didn’t make it easy.

“They never wanted me too close,” said Gambini, The News’ May Cook of the Month. “My mother would say, ‘Don’t hover,’ and my grandmother would just run me over if I got too close.”

That did nothing to lessen his fascination. “It was kind of neat, because it was kind of like watching a ball game through a knothole in a fence,” said Gambini, the former WBFO Morning Edition host and music director, who now works for the University at Buffalo’s communications office. “You get to see some of the action, but not all of it. You have to fill in the gaps with your imagination.”

What he could not miss was the happiness that resulted from their efforts, which would eventually fuel his own desire to expand his culinary efforts, he said. “I don’t necessarily know if it was something that I saw them making specifically, as much as everyone enjoyed what was made, the pleasure and the spirit that came from food.”

That spirit was strong when the extended Gambini family gathered for Sunday dinner at his grandparents’ West Side home. They shared dishes like his grandmother’s stuffed artichokes and veal cutlets pan-fried in olive oil, “not loaded with cheese, either, not spaghetti house parm,” Gambini clarified.

At that early age, he recognized the connections between good food and great times. “The company, too – just sitting around the table passing the dishes,” he said. “Those are great memories.”

It wasn’t until after he graduated from UB in the late 1980s, and moved out of his parents’ house, that he really started cooking for himself.

“It was just out of necessity,” he said recently in his Cheektowaga home, as a batch of homemade pasta dried on the kitchen counter.

Peppers and onions was the beginning. “You’ve got peppers, you’ve got onions, fry them up and do something with them,” he said. It turned out that he enjoyed the adventure of not knowing exactly where a dish was headed. “Don’t be afraid to just grab something and combine the ingredients.”

Yes, he could have asked his mother, Janet Gambini, for detailed instructions. But he didn’t. “I don’t think I wanted to. I have cookbooks in the house, and I enjoy reading the narrative, but I don’t follow the recipes. I’d just rather feel my way through it.”

His feelings, when it comes to cooking, have become plenty acute. Today, Gambini serves as co-host of Nickel City Chef, Buffalo’s live cooking competition series, an experience that put him in close contact with top Buffalo chefs, arming him with the knowledge to fine-tune his kitchen chops.

While talking about other things, Gambini swirls together a batch of pasta dough, rolls it out with his pasta machine and feeds it through the cutter so it emerges in delicate strands.

He cooks the pasta, drains it and drops the steaming noodles onto a bed of fresh spinach, cooking the spinach just enough. “Otherwise the spinach gets lost, and leaves lose their color,” he said.

Tossed with lemon juice, lemon zest, and grated cheese, it’s a light, flavorful dish, he said. “It’s a great heading-into-summer dish.”

Bert Gambini

Residence: Cheektowaga • Mouths to feed: 1

Go–to quick dish: 30-minute roast chicken

Secret indulgence: King crab legs

Stuffed Artichokes

4 large artichokes

1 cup breadcrumbs

½ cup grated cheese

Basil, parsley and garlic powder

Salt and pepper

Trim tops and clip pointy leaves. Wash and pull any dark leaves from the base.

Mix crumbs, cheese and spices, and season to taste with salt and pepper. Spread the leaves of the artichokes and stuff with the breadcrumb mixture. Pour a dash of olive oil over each of the artichokes. Put the artichokes in a stockpot with 1½ inches water.

Bring to a boil, then reduce to a simmer and cover. Cook for 30 minutes, longer for larger artichokes. (Or bake in a pan with a half-inch of water about 60 minutes at 375 degrees.) You know they’re done when outer leaves pull off easily. Serve with an empty bowl to collect discarded leaves.

Steamed Mussels

2 pounds mussels

1 tablespoon butter

1 small onion, chopped

2 tablespoons chopped parsley

1 clove garlic, chopped

¾ cup dry white wine

Scrub mussels and pull off fibrous attachments. Discard any mussels that are open or have broken shells.

Saute onion in butter until soft, about 3 minutes. Add garlic and parsley, then wine.

Add cleaned mussels. Steam for about 5 minutes, or until the shells have opened. Discard unopened ones. Serve with crusty bread for dunking.

(You can transfer mussels to platter and thicken sauce in pot by adding 1 tablespoon butter over medium heat, sprinkling in 1 tablespoon flour, another splash of wine, and stirring to combine. Simmer to thicken. Pour over mussels.)

Lemon Garlic Pasta with Spinach

For pasta dough:

3½ cups of flour

4 eggs

For pasta:

1 bag washed baby spinach

Juice of one lemon

Zest of one lemon

2 cloves of finely chopped garlic

½ cup of grated Pecorino Romano cheese

¼ cup of olive oil

Mix dough first. Put the flour in a mound, make a hollow in the middle, and crack in the eggs. With a fork, start working the flour shore into the egg lake until it’s combined into a ball. Knead for about 4 minutes, wrap and let sit for 30 minutes.

Cut the dough into two or more pieces to make rolling easier. On a floured surface, roll out the pasta as thin as possible, and cut it into strips. (If you have a pasta rolling machine, follow its directions.)

Bring a pot of salted water to a boil. Add pasta and stir. Fresh pasta cooks quickly, 1-3 minutes.

Put fresh spinach in a bowl. When pasta is ready, drain and immediately put the drained pasta in the bowl with the spinach. Do not mix. Add lemon juice and zest, garlic, cheese and olive oil. Cover the bowl and let it sit for 5 minutes. Uncover, mix and serve.



email: agalarneau@buffnews.com ]]> Wed, 22 May 2013 07:23:57 -0400 Andrew Galarneau
]]> <![CDATA[ Buffalo chefs invited to show their moves in Manhattan ]]> http://www.buffalonews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20130521/LIFE01/130529828/1057
For the first time, the James Beard House has invited a foursome of Nickel City Chefs to present a dinner Oct. 16. Plus, leading Buffalo chef Mike Andrzejewski has been booked for May 30 at City Grit, a less formal but much-lauded kitchen stage that opened in 2011 at 38 Prince St. in Chinatown.

The October Beard House dinner, coordinated by Nickel City Chef founder Christa Glennie Seychew, recognizes the skills of Buffalo-area chefs who have participated in the cooking competition series, Buffalo’s answer to “Iron Chef America.”

The current “home team” will each cook a course at the October dinner. They include JJ Richert of Kenmore’s Torches, Brian Mietus of Bacchus, Jennifer Boye of The Mansion on Delaware Avenue and Adam Goetz, who recently moved his restaurant, formerly Sample, to 1472 Hertel Ave., and renamed it Craving.

Jon Karel, a drinks whiz at Vera Pizzeria, will offer cocktail support and wine pairing advice.

“Being asked to cook at the James Beard House is a little like winning an Oscar. It’s national recognition for our city’s chefs and finer food,” said Seychew, Buffalo Spree food editor, whose Feed Your Soul company organizes food events. Andrzejewski has cooked at Beard House several times, and last fall, chef Ross Warhol of the Athenaeum Hotel at the Chautauqua Institution offered a dinner there.

“In terms of its dining scene, Buffalo has begun to experience an evolution – a new wave, if you will – over the last three or four years,” said Seychew. “This invitation from the Beard House signifies and validates the importance of this transition, and, in my eyes, offers encouragement for other local chefs and restaurant owners to follow suit.”

Seychew said she was planning a September dinner in Buffalo to help raise money for the Beard House excursion, the costs of which are largely borne by the chefs themselves.

Next week, Andrzejewski will offer New Yorkers a little taste of how Buffalo cuisine is evolving beyond its reputation for chicken wings. He’s the featured chef May 30 at City Grit, a showcase led by chef Sarah Simmons, which hosts “well-known and emerging guest chefs from around the world looking to showcase their culinary talents,” its website says.

Tickets to the $65 dinner are available through citygritnyc.com.

Andrzejewski said another Beard House dinner, featuring Mike A’s at the Lafayette executive chef Edward Forster and himself, is scheduled for July.



email: agalarneau@buffnews.com ]]> Wed, 22 May 2013 02:14:47 -0400 Andrew Galarneau
]]> <![CDATA[ Puff! The magic pastry ]]> http://www.buffalonews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20130522/LIFE01/130529807/1057
All of which brings us to puff pastry.

Puff pastry is an ethereal delicacy that, at first bite, seems like something best left to the professionals to prepare. Flakes of butter lurk between innumerable layers of dough, waiting for a blast of oven heat to convert just enough moisture into steam to create crisp strata of pastry.

Classic recipes are time-consuming and a bit intimidating, calling for chilled butter being added to chilled dough, then rolling, folding and chilling that for 30 minutes. Then repeating this process again. And again. And once more. Oh, did we mention the importance of keeping everything chilled?

Fortunately, there is an easier way to make puff pastry that delivers scrumptious results with about 10 minutes of mixing. Let the dough chill a few hours, or overnight, then use it to make those hallmarks of a summer picnic, cherry turnovers.

We cobbled together the best ideas from several sources to create this pastry. The basic recipe is from “Martha Stewart’s Pies and Tarts,” although we liked the tip from the folks at King Arthur Flour to add a bit of baking powder to give to the dough “some added oomph in the oven,” given that we’re taking a few shortcuts.

The method comes from “The Modern Baker,” by Nick Malgieri, which uses an ingenious technique of rolling folded dough into a spiral to create countless layers in one fell swoop.

While cherries are a classic filling, Door County’s harvest doesn’t start coming in until July, so we’ve suggested a few other ideas for these not-so-big turnovers. Fruit preserves are an easy option, and a good bet because the best fillings are quite thick. Because there’s no sugar in this dough, it also can be used to make savory turnovers filled with mushrooms, leeks, sauteed greens, a mix of cheeses – whatever strikes your fancy as the farmers’ markets open.

Turnovers make some of the best handheld meals or desserts, and with a batch of dough stashed in your freezer (pulled out to thaw overnight), you can make a delectable picnic lunch in less than an hour.

You know the drill: Oh, this is so easy ... Anyone can make this ... You can’t beat homemade.



Cherry Turnovers

Puff pastry:

1¾ cups all-purpose flour, plus more for work surface

½ teaspoon salt

½ teaspoon baking powder

2 sticks unsalted butter, chilled

½ cup ice water

Filling:

2 cups pitted cherries, fresh or frozen (12-ounce package)

¼ cup granulated sugar

1 tablespoon cornstarch

Pinch of salt

1 tablespoon lemon juice

For turnovers:

1 egg white, beaten with 1 tablespoon water

Decorative sugar (also called sparkling sugar)



To make dough: In a large bowl, whisk together flour, ½ teaspoon salt and baking powder. Cut butter into ½-inch pieces and add to flour. With a pastry blender or fingers, quickly work butter into the dough until it’s in pea-sized pieces. Add ½ cup ice water and mix with a spoon until the dough comes together in a shaggy mass. Turn dough out onto counter and knead a few times until it holds together.

Generously flour work surface then roll dough into a rectangle about 9 inches wide and 18 inches long, reaching under dough every so often to make sure it’s not sticking. From the long sides, fold the dough like a business letter, bringing one third over the middle third, then the remaining third over that.

From one short end, roll the dough into a tight package, then press down with your hand to make a rough square. Wrap well in plastic wrap and let chill for at least 2 hours before using.

(You can keep the dough refrigerated for 2 to 3 days. If you freeze it, defrost it overnight in the refrigerator.)

To make filling: Cut cherries in half, then combine with granulated sugar, cornstarch, pinch of salt and lemon juice in a medium saucepan. Cook over medium heat, stirring often, until filling thickens, about 10 minutes. Set aside to cool.

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Prepare a baking sheet with a piece of parchment paper, or leave ungreased.

To make turnovers: Place dough on a well-floured work surface and roll into rectangle a little larger than 12 inches by 16 inches. With a ruler, mark dough into 4-inch increments, then with a knife or pizza cutter, cut into 12 (4-inch) squares, making a clean cut along the rough edges.

Place a rounded tablespoon of cherry filling in the center of a pastry square. With a finger, moisten two sides of the dough and fold the dough over the filling, using a fork to crimp the edges. Place on baking sheet and repeat with remaining squares.

Brush each turnover with beaten egg white, careful not to spill over the edges, which could prevent the turnovers from rising. Sprinkle generously with decorative sugar. With a small knife, prick pastry to make three steam vents.

Bake for 20 minutes, or until golden. Cool on wire rack. Makes 12.

Note: This recipe was adapted from “Martha Stewart Pies and Tarts,” “The King Arthur Flour Baker’s Companion” and “The Modern Baker” by Nick Malgieri. For a variation on the topping, skip the sparkling sugar and instead drizzle turnovers with a powdered sugar glaze after they have cooled.

Per serving: Calories: 242; fat: 16 g; sodium: 140 mg; carbohydrates: 24 g; saturated fat: 10 g; calcium: 22 mg; protein: 3 g; cholesterol: 41 mg; dietary fiber: 1 gDon’t stop at cherries. Fruit, nuts and cheeses work well for a sweet turnover. And then there are the savory options.

Sweet:

Blueberries or blackberries

Apple with cinnamon

Pear

Apricot

Prune

Date or fig

Lemon curd

Nutella (hazelnut spread)

Flavored cream cheese

Savory:

Mushrooms

Caramelized onions and blue cheese

Pesto and goat cheese ]]> Wed, 22 May 2013 07:17:36 -0400 By Kim Ode

Star Tribune (Minneapolis)

]]> <![CDATA[ Make your own Greek yogurt ]]> http://www.buffalonews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20130522/LIFE01/130529808/1057
There are a lot of reasons that yogurt has been beloved since the time of the woolly mammoth. First of all, it tastes great.

Then, of course, there are the health benefits of eating yogurt. Yogurt contains enzymes that help with absorbing nutrients. It also contains healthy bacteria linked to a strong immune system. And it is brimming with other good things: protein, calcium, B vitamins and minerals.

These days, yogurt is made not in animal skin containers, but in sterile metal vats. Here, milk is mixed with acidophilus, a healthy bacterial culture. The bacteria feed on the sugars in the milk, producing lactic acid, which gives yogurt its characteristically tangy flavor. An extra step is required to make Greek yogurt. Before it is packaged, it is strained to remove the liquid whey, giving it a less watery consistency than American-style yogurt. As a result, it is more concentrated, and contains more protein than American-style yogurt. It also contains less sugar, since the sugar drains away with the whey.

Consumers and nutritionists love Greek yogurt, but not all environmentalists do. It takes 64 ounces of milk to produce 16 ounces of Greek yogurt, more than twice as much as what goes into American-style yogurt. So far, manufacturers have not figured out how to use the large volume of strained whey that is a byproduct of the process. And disposing of it is a problem. Whey can’t simply be poured down the drain. Its high sugar content would encourage an epidemic of sugar-eating bacteria in our waterways. So the whey must be treated to remove the sugar before it is dumped. The more Greek yogurt we eat, the bigger the whey problem gets.

If this is the kind of thing that keeps you up at night, you can make your own Greek yogurt and repurpose the whey. Line a strainer with cheesecloth and set it over a bowl. Then, dump plain American-style yogurt into the strainer and let the excess liquid drip into the bowl. After a few hours, you will have thick, creamy and extra-nutritious Greek yogurt. Use the cloudy liquid that has collected in the bottom of the bowl in a favorite bread dough recipe. Its milk sugars will give your bread a very mild sweetness and beautiful golden color.

For the baker, Greek yogurt comes in handy for adding richness and flavor without a lot of fat. Swap it for an equal amount of sour cream, mayonnaise or cream cheese in cake, muffin and quick bread recipes, and you will get a significantly lighter result with no loss of quality. I used a cup of Greek yogurt instead of sour cream in a one-bowl cake recipe. I got a moist, sturdy, tasty cake that is good for snacking or for brunch when served with fruit and more yogurt on the side.



Greek Yogurt Cake

2 cups unbleached all-purpose flour

1¼ cups sugar

1 teaspoon baking powder

¼ teaspoon baking soda

¼ teaspoon salt

1 cup plain low-fat Greek-style yogurt

¼ cup low-fat milk

1/3 cup vegetable oil

2 large eggs

2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract

Confectioners’ sugar



Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Spray a 9-inch round cake pan with nonstick cooking spray and dust with flour, knocking out any extra. Whisk together flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt in a large mixing bowl. Whisk together yogurt, milk, oil, eggs and vanilla in a large measuring cup. Pour yogurt mixture into flour mixture and stir until just moistened.

Scrape batter into prepared pan and bake until golden and toothpick inserted into center is clean, 35 to 40 minutes.

Let cake cool in pan for about 5 minutes, invert onto a wire rack, and then invert again on another rack to cool completely. Dust with confectioners’ sugar, slice and serve. Makes 8 servings.

Note: To decorate my cake, I placed a stencil on top of the cake, sifted some powdered sugar over it, and then carefully lifted it off. A paper doily will serve the same purpose if you’d like a lacy effect. ]]> Wed, 22 May 2013 07:16:31 -0400 By Lauren Chattman

Newsday

]]> <![CDATA[ Lovin’ lentils: Simple legume is a canvas for creativity ]]> http://www.buffalonews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20130522/LIFE01/130529809/1057
That’s too bad. A smart cook learns to love lentils for their variety of textures and colors – black, pink, red, green and more – good nutrition, ease of cooking and easy-to-swallow prices.

Indian cooks turn them into dals while Moroccans pride themselves on their recipes for the lentil-tomato soup called harira. In Italy, lentils often are cooked with the specialty cotechino. In France, they may appear as a first course or alongside roasted meats. And rare is the vegetarian cook who hasn’t learned to love this legume. Cookbook author James Peterson includes several lentil recipes in his latest edition of “Vegetables” (Ten Speed Press, $35), from a French-inspired salad on through Indian soups and stews.

“The best lentil interpretations I’ve had are Indian,” he says of the beautifully seasoned dishes often finished with the clarified butter called ghee or coconut milk.

But Peterson was also quick to tell us about a vinaigrette-dressed lentil salad. “We used to serve it with a paté in Paris when I was working there. That was fabulous.”

And, as he writes, “lentils cooked with bacon are heavenly.”

Peterson was not always so enamored with lentils. Recalling his time in Paris: “I was so, so poor, but I was at the Cordon Bleu and taking a pastry class, and I would come home with these beautiful cakes and we would sit there and have lentils for dinner – my friend, he would stock up on dry goods during periods of being flush – so we’d have these lentils that we’d rush through to get to the cake. But that was an example of not cooking them well when you don’t know what you’re doing.”

He’s mastered them and no longer associates lentils with poverty, “especially since they have now become chic and show up in fancy restaurants cooked with all sorts of expensive foods.”

Lentils, from the tiny beluga (yes, they look like the pricey caviar) to the green-black French du Puy and the broad brown, are comfortable sharing plate space with duck, lamb, goose and game, from quail to venison, whether the lentils are served whole or pureed.

It’s time to ditch any outdated notions of the limited potential of lentils. The tiny seed’s versatility lies in its ability to play well with a variety of flavors, herbs and spices, giving cooks a blank canvas for exercising their creativity. Another plus: They don’t require soaking before cooking like other legumes and cook in less than an hour. Lentils, the seeds found inside the pods on the plant called Lens culinaris, have been nourishing folks for thousands of years. A cup of cooked lentils delivers almost 18 grams of protein as well as 15 grams of fiber and only 230 calories, according to the USDA Nutrient Database.

Removed from the pods, those seeds are usually found at the market in a dried form. They may be sold whole or split, with the skin on or off – offering cooks four options. Which one you choose can affect how they are cooked and how the finished dish will look. Whole, skin-on lentils (beluga, Puy) will hold their shape when cooked. Split lentils, with their skin off, will produce a silkier finished product.

While we found some supermarkets offering more than a half dozen types, sorting through those at markets catering to ethnic communities may present a bit of a challenge. In lentil-loving India, for example, listing all the types is a challenge, according to “The Oxford Companion to Food.” “Attempts to list lentils run up against a fundamental difficulty; the use of the word in an Indian context is much looser, spilling over from Lens culinaris into other species, as though ‘lentil’ had much the same meaning as ‘dal’ (split pulse).”

Cookbook author Anupy Singla writes in “Vegan Indian Cooking” that dal can refer to a soupy preparation made with legumes, but also refer to dry lentil dishes in some parts of India.

Don’t let nomenclature confuse you. Instead, go beyond the common brown lentil, so easily found in stores and, give, say, a lovely pink or red lentil a chance. ]]> Wed, 22 May 2013 07:15:24 -0400 By Judy Hevrdejs

Chicago Tribune

]]> <![CDATA[ People’s Pharmacy: Improving health without scolding ]]> http://www.buffalonews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20130522/CITYANDREGION03/130529820/1057 Doctors often admonish their patients to make lifestyle changes that will help their health: stop smoking, eat better, exercise more and lose weight.

If patients don’t make progress on these challenging goals, doctors may get frustrated and scold patients. Then they prescribe pills to lower cholesterol, control blood sugar or reduce blood pressure.

Patients also feel frustrated. Making big changes can be extremely difficult. People get defensive when they are scolded and may give up.

Albert Einstein supposedly said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.” We know doctors are not crazy, but the pattern of reprimanding and prescribing is repeated over and over.

As any parent who has ever tried to nag a child into keeping his room neat knows, scolding doesn’t work very well. A new approach, known as motivational interviewing, is gathering momentum in medicine.

Those who have been trained in its use learn to collaborate with patients. They find out what goals the patient is setting or is willing to set, and then help the patient figure out how to reach them. This may mean tackling baby steps or finding rewards that are meaningful to the patient.

Behavioral economist Dan Ariely, Ph.D., tells in his book “Predictably Irrational” of being prescribed a medication that had horrible side effects. It was essential for treating a very serious viral infection.

He was supposed to take it three times a week. Because he loves movies, on treatment days he would rent a movie, set up everything for comfortable watching and then take the medicine. By the time he began to experience the fever, headaches, nausea and vomiting, he had already enjoyed much of the movie and was able to look forward to the next movie hit. He was the only patient in the study who managed to take every dose as the physicians recommended.

Ariely explains his strategy, “Planning my evening in this way helped my brain associate the injection more closely with the movie than with the fever, chills and vomiting, and thus, I was able to continue the treatment.”

As you might guess, rewards need to be individually tailored. Goals also need to be personalized. Rather than being told “You must lose 50 pounds,” the person decides what goal has meaning for her. She and the doctor, nurse or health coach figure out together what steps she needs to take to reach it. Then the coach uses nonjudgmental encouragement to follow up at each step. This adds the dimension of accountability, critical in maintaining progress.

Physicians often complain that patients stop taking their medicine. Sometimes they don’t even fill the initial prescription, suggesting that patient and physician were not on the same page about the benefits and risks of the drug. Doctor visits may be too short for the doctor to ask the patient what he thinks about the medicine.

In a different approach, the patient’s concerns about drug side effects could provide an incentive for him to change his diet and exercise patterns. The goal would be to reach an acceptable blood pressure, for example, without medication. Being congratulated instead of scolded would be a welcome change for many patients. ]]> Wed, 22 May 2013 00:44:34 -0400 <![CDATA[ Carolyn Hax: Dealing with cousins violence ]]> http://www.buffalonews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20130522/CITYANDREGION03/130529821/1057 Dear Carolyn: I’m having trouble dealing with my violent niece and nephew, 5 and 7. I have two children of my own a little older. We are a tight family that (mostly, despite this big issue) enjoys hanging out together quite often. It’s common for the 5-year-old to hold my 7-year-old down and just swing punches.

The boy was kicked out of day care at 2 for his violent tendencies. In an effort to not tear the family apart, we’ve tried to deal with it by telling ourselves that in time it will go away. Things aren’t better, except that he is wiser now and waits for when he thinks we’re not watching to hit our kids. At a recent birthday, the two hit or kicked every kid at least once.

I am as nonconfrontational as it gets, and as a result I think my kids have learned that being hit by them is OK. In a world of bullies, I need to send the message that it is most definitely not OK, even with family.

I just don’t know how to open the parents’ eyes. They don’t express any concern or impose any real discipline and leave everyone else to deal with them. The children don’t take our discipline seriously as a result of a lifelong use of empty threats by the parents.

I love them and want them in our lives, but I’m worried about causing a rift in our family. As of now, we just make up excuses for why we can’t hang out.

– L.



A: If your plan is to wait on the sidelines until you’re sure you can “open the parents’ eyes,” then you’re in for a bad case of bleacher-butt.

As you sit there, you’re also abdicating other important responsibilities, ones that are actually within your control where other people’s eyelids are not.

You’ve identified the most immediate one yourself: You have a duty to protect your kids, both from their cousins’ haymakers and, far more dangerous, from the mindset that it’s better to take abuse quietly than risk a disruption. You can project that into other areas of their lives, can’t you? When they’re in their 20s and an intimate partner is hitting them, but they don’t speak up for fear of ruining Christmas?

There are many ways to teach the life skill of setting personal limits, from telling your kids to let you know whenever their cousins hit them, to supervising the kids and stepping in when it gets ugly, to saying openly that if the kids keep hitting then you will ask them to leave, to enrolling your kids in martial arts. Pick your popcorn. All that matters is that you mean it, and your kids see it.

Two other major responsibilities you have are to your niece and nephew, and to society. You do none of them any favors by being the adult who was in a position to flag this problem early but chickened out.

If you don’t think intervening with troubled kids and teaching your kids to stand up for themselves are worth a family rift, then please keep thinking. Avoiding a rift is primarily about your comfort. As a priority, it doesn’t stand up to a moment’s scrutiny. It’s also a goal you’re not even accomplishing. You aren’t comfortable, you’re upset; you aren’t keeping peace with the family, you’re hiding from them. When you stand to lose something of value to you, that’s when you most need solid principles. This problem might cost you a sibling, and that would be terrible, but that would also be the fault of parents who won’t do their jobs. If this problem costs you yourself or your kids their confidence or health, then that will be on you.Dear Carolyn: Do you think there are people who do more “seeking out” of friends and others who wait to be sought? Does it mean anything? I tend to be the gatherer and all my friends are happy to spend time with me, but unless I seek them out I don’t hear from them an awful lot. Thoughts?

– Friend



A: Don’t take it personally when people are being themselves – that’s my thought. It’s when they change the way they act toward you that it’s worth figuring out what it means.



email: tellme@washpost.com ]]> Wed, 22 May 2013 00:44:19 -0400 <![CDATA[ Ex-Etiquette: With many bonusparents, why not have everyone at one house? ]]> http://www.buffalonews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20130522/CITYANDREGION03/130529822/1057 Q: I’m faced with a dilemma. My parents are divorced and my father has been remarried for 20 years. I love his wife and she is like a second mom to me. Plus, my wife and I had our first child three months ago – not to mention my wife’s mother lives nearby, and my wife has a bonusmom as well. If you do the math that’s five yours, mine, and ours moms. My wife wants to see her “moms.” I want to see mine – and my wife is a mom for the first time. I didn’t mention that my grandma lives five miles away. How do I juggle all this using good ex-etiquette?



A: Good ex-etiquette begins by putting the children first – and it appears your “moms” have if you hold all of them in such high regard. Your dilemma is a perfect reason to start a dialogue. Use the birth of your own child as the catalyst and explain to all the players that now that you have a child and your wife is a mother as well, you would like to start a new tradition. (Now, you have to decide what the new tradition is.)

Let’s look at two suggestions for how to handle holidays with baby: It’s not uncommon for people in your situation to treat a holiday as a weekend celebration, splitting their visits with loved ones between the true holiday and the day before or after. For example, some people who have large extended families split their Thanksgiving celebration between Thanksgiving Day and the following Friday. We have so many people to include around the holidays, I host Thanksgiving on the Saturday following the holiday! Try the same for Mother’s Day – using the Saturday prior as well. Use a typical holiday parenting plan schedule as your model. Figure out who you will see on the Saturday prior and who you will see on Mother’s Day. Then switch the next year. Granted, this is quite complicated, but it does serve its purpose for families who have clearly delineated lines between the divorced parents’ homes.

The second suggestion for the new tradition is to host the celebration at your house. To cut costs, consider a potluck. Invite all the parents in question, explain that there are just too many places to go, and in the name of all the children involved please consider celebrating in one place. If you are locked in Stepwars, don’t try it.

Finally, it’s a fine line children walk when they are close to both their mom and bonusmom. Many have told me that they don’t want to disrespect their own mother, but they also want to acknowledge their bonusmom – and they aren’t sure how to do it without hurting either “Mom.” That’s a tough one if the “moms” are in competition with one another. Ex-Etiquette rule No. 4 is “Bioparents make the rules, bonusparents uphold them.” This is another way of saying that Bio mom is Mom, and will always be Mom, however, if all the parents have things in the proper perspective, they both understand that it’s not “either/or,” but “also”… always in the best interest of the children.



Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com. ]]> Wed, 22 May 2013 00:44:09 -0400 <![CDATA[ Dear Abby: Do some research on gender identity before talking to kids ]]> http://www.buffalonews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20130522/LIFE/130529823/1057 Dear Abby: My husband and I recently learned that our sister-in-law’s adult son from a prior marriage, “Charlie,” is now “Claire.”

My husband and I have three sons, ages 2 to 10 years. This sister-in-law expressed concern that our 10-year-old would remember Charlie and say something inappropriate. She’s demanding that we lie to him and tell him Claire is another daughter we have never met.

My husband and I do not lie to our children. We feel it is best to explain to all three of our sons that Charlie has decided to make a lifestyle change and let them ask questions if they choose. What is your opinion?

– Truth-Telling Parents



Dear Parents: I don’t believe in lying to children either, but before you tell your sons that Charlie decided to make a “lifestyle change,” I urge you to do some research about gender identity. It is not as simple on any level as changing an aspect of one’s lifestyle. It is about who Claire truly feels she is inside.

If your oldest boy remembers Charlie, he should know that some people feel from an early age that they were born into the wrong body – the wrong gender. Fortunately, there is help for it in the form of medication and surgery. He should be told that the problem has been solved and Charlie is now Claire. When the younger children are older, they can be told the same thing in an age-appropriate manner if the subject comes up.Dear Abby: My children’s father died of cancer about a year ago. As a result, they receive Social Security benefits as his surviving dependents. He had no life insurance, so this is all they have. The problem is nearly everyone who finds out they receive this money becomes angry and jealous.

Abby, these benefits came from his earnings and are meant to assist me in supporting the children he is no longer here to help with. We try not to mention the money, but sometimes it comes up in conversation.

How can people be jealous about money received from such a tragedy? Would they really want to lose a family member in exchange for cash? Please ask people to be more considerate in a situation where a child has paid a far greater price than any check in the mail could cover.

– Surviving Mom in Illinois



Dear Mom: I’m sorry for your loss. People, particularly in a difficult economy, can become jealous if they think someone is getting “something for nothing.” (And depending upon how dysfunctional a family is, they might indeed be willing to “lose” a family member in exchange for cash.)

I’m passing your sentiments along, but my advice to you is to stop discussing finances unless there is a specific reason why the person you’re talking to must have that information. ]]> Wed, 22 May 2013 00:43:52 -0400 <![CDATA[ The Buzz: On promgoers, fitting rooms, concert signs and graduations ]]> http://www.buffalonews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20130521/LIFE/130529934/1057
Buzz knew it would pay off eventually, stationing a spy in the fitting room at Kohl’s on Niagara Falls Boulevard. Just sit there, we said. Let us know if anything happens, we said. And sure enough! A young man went into a booth to try on clothes. He would step outside and his girlfriend would give her opinions. A fashionista in the house! It wasn’t long until an older gentleman stepped out of his changing room, sporting dapper duds. “Since you’re offering opinions,” he said to the young woman, “how do these pants fit?” “Oh, good,” the woman answers. “And what about the back?” he asked. “Fine,” she answered. Lucky he was asking her and not Buzz. We wouldn’t have been able to resist repeating our favorite quote from “Gone With The Wind”: “ ‘It ain’t fittin.’ ”

Got to love those guerrilla signs on street corners hawking mattresses, bedroom sets, etc. They are the ultimate direct marketing! Surely the first sign of this type sat at the intersection of the Tigris and the Euphrates, the rivers said to mark the birthplace of civilization. A big bravo, then, to the Tralf Music Hall, for jumping on this age-old advertising. Stenciled signs around Delaware Park read: “MICHAEL JACKSON CONCERT TRIBUTE, MAY 24, TRALF, 7 P.M.” Bravo! A Tralf spokesman, though, was modest. “The Tralf is rented by outside promoters from time to time, and this would be their handiwork,” he said. He added, tongue in cheek: “We can’t take credit for these signs informatively bettering and beautifying the neighborhoods where they have been placed. Wink wink.”

Love the marquee of Crossroads Lutheran Church in Amherst, reading: “Sabre’s Fans, Counseling Available.” But did they mean fans of a particular Sabre? If not, counseling should also be available in the use of apostrophes. … Those tears at graduations aren’t always tears of joy. One mom out celebrating with her daughter, newly sprung from Daemen College, confessed between taking pictures: “She’s going to law school. God help us.”

“Quit kissing the customers.”

– Pianist Jackie Jocko, to employee at E.B. Green’s ]]> Tue, 21 May 2013 00:15:21 -0400 Mary Kunz Goldman
]]> <![CDATA[ Hough wants to expand career beyond ‘Stars’ ]]> http://www.buffalonews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20130521/LIFE/130529932/1057
“I was gonna sit this season out,” Hough said in a recent interview. “My mom hurt herself and she was in the hospital. I had this overwhelming feeling, ‘You know what? I feel like this isn’t the season I should be taking off. This isn’t the one.’ Now looking back, I’m really glad I made that decision because it’s been one of my favorite seasons as far as creating and working with people.”

Besides teaching his celeb partner, country singer Kellie Pickler, how to ballroom dance, he’s also performed with a blind dancer and danced in a rotating room.

The season finale airs at 9 tonight on ABC. Other celebs and their partners: Olympic gold-medal gymnast Aly Raisman and Mark Ballas, actress-singer Zendaya Coleman and Val Chmerkovsky, and pro football player Jacoby Jones and Karina Smirnoff.

Hough, 28, pushed for these opportunities to keep challenging himself.

“For me, I like to push myself … I hate feeling complacent or that I’m not learning,” he said. ]]> Mon, 20 May 2013 17:08:37 -0400 By Alicia Rancillo

Associated Press

]]> <![CDATA[ Jackson books detail death row ]]> http://www.buffalonews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20130521/LIFE/130529933/1057
The book, released a year ago to ecstatic reviews from across the prison and civil rights community, is the product of Jackson and Christian’s 1979 visit to the Ellis Unit near Huntsville, Texas, where the state’s death row prisoners were held. Its title comes from a poem written by one of the convicts the authors interviewed, who captured one of the book’s central themes: that on death row, time as we know it ceases to exist and the only solid concept to grab onto is one’s impending death.

The book is remarkable for many reasons. One is the unexpected warmth of the photographs and their subjects. Another is Jackson and Christian’s clear-eyed descriptions of life on death row: “His sentence was reduced to life September 24, 1982, and he has been eligible for parole since November 19, 1980, two years and two months before his current sentence began,” they wrote of convict Mark Moore. “No one cares.” The crystalline lucidity with which they explain the incontrovertible arguments against the death penalty is also a great achievement. But mostly the book is remarkable because it was allowed to happen in the first place.

Such a book could never be written today, a time when prisoners’ experiences on death rows across the United States – though their numbers are slowly dwindling – is worse than it was in the late ’70s. And much more tightly sealed off, lest the public catch wind of the daily horrors which occur therein.

That sense of limbo and the thick layers of bureaucracy even Kafka could not have dreamed of come across so strongly that reading this book becomes a harrowing, unforgettable experience.

Something similar applies to “Inside the Wire,” a collection of Jackson’s earlier photographs of Texas and Arkansas prisons from 1964 through 1979, with a few stunning mugshots of prisoners he discovered in 1975.

The book contains his best body of work, a series of panoramic photographs he made of the Cummins prison farm in Arkansas which might as well be pictures of the slave plantations of the preceding century. They work as stunning landscapes and social commentary. Interspersed with photographs of life inside the prison walls, portraits of individual prison workers and other glimpses of daily life, these scenes evoke a sense of menace and hopelessness that is indelible and chilling.

– Colin Dabkowski ]]> Mon, 20 May 2013 17:08:23 -0400 <![CDATA[ Carolyn Hax: Don’t attack others electronically ]]> http://www.buffalonews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20130521/CITYANDREGION03/130529937/1057 Dear Carolyn: I recently became fed up with a family member’s habit of making rude comments about others, generally about appearance. I decided to confront her about it via email. I was very careful to stay only on that subject and not attack her (a la, “I don’t like your hair either!”). It basically said, “You were rude. This is a pattern. Maybe you should think about trying to change this.”

Her response was to become defensive and go on the attack, via email. I wrote back that she was right about some things, but this was about her and the hurtful things she says to people. I haven’t heard anything since and I’m not sure how to proceed. This is a family member who I also consider a close friend.

– Anonymous



A: Call her, apologize for hiding behind email, and learn from this.

Your message and motives might have been straight from the angels, but when you chose to scold her at electronic-arm’s length, you ceded the high ground in one stroke.

And, you did attack her. How would you like to open that same email from a “close friend”?

The best way to speak up was in person and right when you witnessed any rudeness. “Hey, why so rough on Auntie Em?” Next best (for next time): in person, and what’s-up? curious vs. stop-that! accusatory.

Whether to accept any peace overtures is up to her, but you need to make them, now. “I thought I was helping, but obviously wasn’t. I hope you’ll forgive me.”Dear Carolyn: I have an acquaintance who has gone through a major health crisis in the last year – we didn’t know if he was going to make it. But he bounced back like a miracle. I am truly happy for him.

Only one problem: Whenever he sees me, he now goes into a barrage of comments about how lucky I am, in a way that feels hostile. I am totally sympathetic and can honestly deal with it if he just goes on about how hard life is – we’ve all been there. But he always adds this twist: “Oh, I hate you guys at your company, you guys get paid so much money!” Or, “Don’t complain!” Believe me, I never complain about my life to him.

What he does not know is that I have a potentially fatal health condition that’s not obvious from outside. I live with pain and fatigue every day – and I’m barely holding on to my job because I can’t do as much as most employees, and fighting depression.

In short, my life is far from this lucky one he has decided I have. I have no desire to share my health condition with him, but would like him to stop these comments. Any advice?

– You Have No Idea



A: You can’t make childish, bitter and/or entitled people into mindful ones with the flick of a well-chosen phrase. A brush with death is no guarantee, either, apparently.

You can make your case to your own satisfaction, though. “You’re assuming a lot,” “Appearances can deceive” and “I wish it were that simple!” – with follow-up questions brushed off – are not only pointed, they’re true. He is, they can and you do.Dear Carolyn: Recently I was asked to be the maid of honor in a wedding. The bride sent me potential bridesmaid dresses on the day of my birthday and forgot about my birthday. In this day and age of social media she would have seen other people wishing me happy birthday, and so totally forgot. Am I right to be a bit upset?

– R.



A: Sure, if you’re 8. Otherwise you’d be right to recognize her as a friend who obviously thinks a lot of you, and brush this off as her missing a beat, as I’m sure you do with her sometimes. There’s also: “Dresses?! On my birthday! You shouldn’t have.” State your needs, don’t test people on them.



Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com. ]]> Mon, 20 May 2013 17:06:44 -0400 <![CDATA[ Miss Manners: Teen boys are not to be consulted for prom advice ]]> http://www.buffalonews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20130521/CITYANDREGION03/130529938/1057 Dear Miss Manners: As my son is attending his very first formal, I realize that I am unaware of the rule of dress for this occasion. For example, isn’t my son’s tie supposed to coordinate with his date’s dress? What style of suit is appropriate?



Gentle Reader: Well, there are rules, and then there are rules. You could use Miss Manners’ rules for gentlemen’s evening dress, which are strict about black ties being black ties, no funny business allowed. This might teach him to respect dignity – or it could traumatize him as violating high school custom.

A compromise might be in order. Ask him to inquire about what is expected – first from the sponsors of the dance, and then from his peers. The sponsors will know whether the boys customarily rent formal evening clothes or wear suits. Your son’s female peers can tell him about his date’s expectations in the way of flowers and coordinated ties.

Just don’t encourage him to ask his male peers. Teenage boys like to think they are satirizing formality, when they don’t actually know what formality is.Dear Miss Manners: A male friend who, to the best of my knowledge, was not led on in any way to believe I had feelings beyond friendship for him, proposed to me on Valentine’s Day. I was completely blown out of the water.

I said: “I am your friend and do not feel anything else for you. I can’t accept your proposal, but I hope we can continue to be friends.” He agreed, but has not contacted me since.

I figure he needs time to come around, but my sister says that I was cruel in how I declined. Is there a proper way to turn down a proposal with minimal bruised feelings?



Gentle Reader: There is only one response to a marriage proposal that is not thought cruel by the proposer: “Yes.”

Of course it is galling to be offered friendship when one had hoped to inspire passionate love. However, Miss Manners can assure your sister that it is a great deal kinder than the popular alternative: explaining what it is about that person that failed to kindle romance.Dear Miss Manners: I have 10 bridesmaids but only five groomsmen! What do I do?



Gentle Reader: You calm down, that’s what you do.

Wedding attendants are not a parade of little temporary couples. They are there for you, not for one another, at least until the party has been going for a while. Get them down the aisle as threesomes, a bridesmaid on either side of a groomsman. Miss Manners promises that they will not be charged with bigamy. ]]> Mon, 20 May 2013 17:06:40 -0400 <![CDATA[ Super Handyman: When making sawhorses, use hinges and chains for added flexibility ]]> http://www.buffalonews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20130521/CITYANDREGION03/130529939/1057
...

Q: My dryer seems to work fine, but it’s leaving spots on my clothes. I think it’s rust from a damaged area in the dryer. Should I paint this or cover it with something? – H.J.



A: Use steel wool to sand away all of the rust. Then you can use epoxy paint, made for high heat, to paint over the bare metal. That should take care of the problem. Just check it periodically to make sure it doesn’t need a touch-up.Dear Carrells: I love to restore cars, and I have two that I am working on right now. I use a lot of hand cleaner in the shop. It’s great at getting the grease off my hands. I’ve also discovered that you can rub it into grease stains on your clothes like you would to pretreat a stain. When you put the clothes through the wash, the stain usually will come out. At least it works pretty well for me! – S.G.

...

Dear Carrells: We have a couple of vacuum cleaners that we use on a regular basis. The one that my wife uses the most is the upright, which is primarily used on the carpeted parts of our home. It has a rotating beater bar that gets clogged easily with thread and other long fibers. It’s my job to keep it working. I have found that the easiest way to get these strings off the bar is to use a razored letter opener. It cuts right through this stuff and makes it easy to pull off. – J.W.

...

Dear Al: Our old closet rod was made of wood. It’s hard to believe that it would sag, but if you saw the amount of clothes we store on it, it’s easy to understand. We decided to replace it with a metal rod. We just went to the hardware store and chose a length of iron rod and had it cut to fit. I don’t think that will sag. If it does, we might need to have a garage sale! – H.P.

...

Dear Kelly: I broke one of my favorite glass vases. I thought I might try to glue it back together, but I was going to need some kind of clamp to hold the pieces together while the glue dried. I decided to use my gel cold pack. It’s heavy and would be easy to drape around the curved surface. I’m not sure, but I think the cold even helped the glue set faster. The vase looks pretty good and barely shows the damage. – H.M.

...

Dear Al: My kids found a good way to stay neat when painting. They just turned their shirts inside out. All of the drips were then on the inside of their shirts. Even though some of the paint didn’t come out of the shirts, nobody can tell, because it’s on the inside of the shirt, not the outside. – Y.R.When you cut up an onion for grilled hamburgers, save the “butt” end. Then use it to clean off your grill grate when you’ve finished all of your cooking.



Got a question or tip? Visit www.thesuperhandyman.com. ]]> Mon, 20 May 2013 17:06:37 -0400 <![CDATA[ Young cast shines in Ujima’s ‘Breath, Boom’ ]]> http://www.buffalonews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20130520/LIFE/130529935/1057
So said audience greeter Gary Earl Ross on the recent opening night of a play by Kia Corthron, “Breath, Boom.” Ross was right. A production at Ujima certainly strives for excellence, very often achieves it, and sometimes Lorna Hill’s acting company is willing to wait for the best, knowing it will surely come. Tomorrow night. Next week.

Such is the case of “Breath, Boom,” an intense story of mean streets and meaner inhabitants – mostly a cadre of young teenage sistahs on the prowl or in your face, a violent, chilling, territorial gang led by 16-year-old Prix (pronounced Pree), a sullen young miss who is mad at everybody, particularly her inept mother and her abusive stepfather. Self-preservation is her watchword. Diss her? Cross her? Trouble.

Kia Corthron is a 50-ish emerging black playwright. She has been called, in some circles, the “heir apparent” to the late and poetic voice of urban blacks in America, August Wilson. Her more recent plays – “Breath, Boom,” “Seeking the Genesis,” “Life by Asphyxiation,” “Wake Up, Lou Riser” and the acclaimed “A Cool Dip in the Barren Saharan Crick” – seem to be about “topics,” not so much about plot. They explore the death penalty, ecological dangers ignored, racial injustice, an array of social ills, family disintegration. These are big themes, causes complex, solutions blurred.

“Boom,” all about the cycle of violence in black neighborhoods – friends, foes and family alike – is a dozen years old now and still disturbs. But Corthron has said that “Audiences shouldn’t be able to predict what’s coming, scene to scene, sentence to sentence.” So, here we learn, in long, rambling monologues, about Prix and her love for fireworks, the holiday crowds imagined and waiting, taking a collective breath before the “boom,” then the aftermath, the impact, the bright colors drifting off into pastel trails. Her euphoric fantasies contrast sharply with her days and nights as an enforcer. Prix and her pyrotechnic dreams get her through dismal times at home and several stretches in prison. “Breath, Boom” follows Prix until she’s 30, paroled, older, wiser, broke, close to homeless.

There are other surprises. Cat, 15 and in jail, rants profanely about her life. In the middle of a brutal tale of the streets, she inexplicably and longingly rhapsodizes about her high school geometry class, the need for angles and order and line. Corthron again. Lyrical moments, a strange but spellbinding cadence, an almost musical rhythm surfacing in dire circumstances. David Mamet channeled.

Director Hill – with effective fight choreography by Steve Vaughn – gets strong performances from a very young cast. Shanntina Moore is an angry Prix, but in fantasyland she is also wonderful. Brianna Simmons, as Cat, gets your attention and keeps it. Notable others among a large ensemble include Vernia S. Garvin, Zoe Viola Scruggs, Paulo Silva and Dayatra Hassan. The set is bare except for the comings and goings of chairs and tables, the scenes many and sometimes the minutes between dialogue seem glacial. Momentum is often lost. But, the cast is remarkably mature. They’ll improve, tie it all together, discipline themselves. Excellence is just around the corner.

In truth, the fireworks metaphor wears thin: Life’s explosions, big and small, the many family detonations and certainly the disappointing misfires – we get the idea. Not a huge problem though in “Breath, Boom.” Kia Corthron makes few mistakes.

Theater Review

“Breath, Boom”

Three and a half stars (Out of four)

Drama presented through June 2 by Ujima Company at TheatreLoft, 545 Elmwood Ave. Tickets are $15-$25. For information, call 883-0380 or visit ujimatheatre.org. ]]> Tue, 21 May 2013 06:36:06 -0400 By Ted Hadley

news contributing reviewer

]]> <![CDATA[ Angelina Jolie and a very different Hollywood activist generation ]]> http://www.buffalonews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20130520/CITYANDREGION03/130529931/1057
If anything confirmed for me how very different the current crop of activist and committed movie stars is from those of the past, it was last week’s rather stunning announcement by Angelina Jolie of her double mastectomy in an op-ed piece in the New York Times.

Not in People, or In Touch or with Diane Sawyer or Barbara Walters, but in an op-ed piece in the Times.

As Jolie explained it, the decision – as momentous as it was for a star whose career has involved so much glamour and physical display – seemed simple enough.

Doctors had told her that because of genetic predisposition, she had an 87 percent chance of getting breast cancer and a 50 percent chance of ovarian cancer. Her genetic “defect,” she told the world, results in cancer 65 percent of the time.

“I hope that other women can benefit from my experience,” she wrote. “Cancer is still a word that strikes fear into people’s hearts, producing a deep sense of powerlessness. But today it is possible to find out through a blood test whether you are highly susceptible to breast and ovarian cancer and then take action.”

She turned her private decision, then, into part of America’s public education. I don’t know that I’ve admired such a public rendering of the most private medical matters since Betty Ford told the world she was going into rehab, thereby changing entirely how America would think about addiction.

There were too many women in the world – and their families – who needed to know that even an actress of such vaunted sensuality could choose her life with her children over show business exploitation.

It’s what the best of her generation seems to do – George Clooney, for sure, but also her husband, Brad Pitt, and Matt Damon. They put their films – and their very lives – in service to higher ideals and the world if they can.

They know that the minute they walk into a Los Angeles Von’s Market or a Trader Joe’s for an avocado or a liter of coconut water there will be a flurry of cellphone photos and text messages and social media pronunciamentos. Their fame is different from that of earlier Hollywood generations. (And so are its transmission systems.)

I once watched Marlon Brando being maneuvered through Los Angeles airport by a dense cloud of blond women (his personal assistant and her daughters, it turned out), and as much of a commotion as it stirred in LAX, back then it wasn’t instant fodder for an entire Internet world.

If it had been Clooney or Pitt now, it would be. If it took too long, alerted paparazzi – so much denser in population than they used to be – would be on the scene to catch the star waiting patiently, as Brando did, for his entourage to retrieve his luggage from the carousel.

Their whole star generation is aware of the spotlight that accompanies them out into the world, wherever they go. So they put it to use in ways that even the Paul Newman/Robert Redford/Warren Beatty/Jane Fonda generation never did. (More carefully and wisely, certainly, than Fonda; more effectively than Brando; far more publicly than Beatty.)

They have no fear of bringing their sociopolitical beliefs into their films – or it seems their very lives into their very reasons for fame.

It’s almost as if a whole cautionary top layer of diffidence has been removed and we now have a generation of performers determined to detoxify the absurdities of fame with which they’re all too familiar.

Yes, it’s true that Jolie was set to star in a $200 million live-action “Sleeping Beauty” tale called “Malificent” to be released in July 2014. But when it came time to write and direct her own first film, it was “In the Land of Blood and Honey” about Bosnia, made with a Bosnian cast.

We won’t even mention playing Mariane Pearl in “A Mighty Heart” or her movie “Beyond Borders.” They’re a long way from “Wanted” and “Salt.” It’s as if she were telling the world, “OK, you care so much about my life with Brad, here is the reality of it. And here are some things we think about – a few more interesting realities – since you seem to care about nonsense.”

Clooney, of course, admits flat-out that he uses fame to call attention to world problems (in Darfur, say). When he makes films of his own, his family’s journalistic idealism is going to be poured into “Good Night and Good Luck.”

In “Promised Land,” Damon made a pretty good film about the business of “fracking.” In HBO’s upcoming “Behind the Candelabra” (see Saturday’s Buffalo News for a review), he plays Liberace’s live-in lover to Michael Douglas’ Liberace in a rare use of their high level of stardom by both actors. (In different ways, previous sets of straights playing homosexual lovers in movies – Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal in “Brokeback Mountain” and Richard Burton and Rex Harrison in “Staircase” – were at different stages of their careers.)

There is, of course, the ancient argument that actors – whose profession, after all, is pretending to be what they are decidedly not – should keep their lives and opinions about everything to themselves and leave thinking to others much better equipped to do it in public.

What if, after all, some of those actors are conspicuously smarter than so many others whom society entrusts to think out loud?

Is there any serious journalist who’s sorry Clooney made “Good Night and Good Luck”?

Is there anyone in any American family with some experience of cancer who doesn’t think Jolie did something useful and even heroic with the fame that had heretofore abused and mistreated her?

She made public what earlier generations of actresses would have kept as private as possible because – $200 million films or not – she jolly well knew her story would make it easier for others to save their own lives.

They seem to be a whole generation that knows exactly how ridiculous is the fame that a Kardashian society confers on them – until, that is, they use that fame to illuminate what the world seems to want hidden.

They know the secret of any spotlight – aiming it where it needs to go.



email: jsimon@buffnews.com ]]> Mon, 20 May 2013 22:36:10 -0400 Jeff Simon
]]> <![CDATA[ Dear Abby: Boyfriend’s new attitude came too late ]]> http://www.buffalonews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20130520/LIFE/130529940/1057 Dear Abby: My boyfriend and I have been together a year and a half. I regret moving in with him when I did, which was after only three months of dating.

We have been through a lot, including my struggle with various health issues. Throughout this he has become an insensitive person who treats me like garbage. There has been a lot of emotional abuse, and it has taken me quite a while to be able to see it.

The other night I was about to break up with him. Then he suddenly changed his tune. He said: “I’m listening. You’re right. I need to change. I love you.” Abby, at this point I really don’t care, but I gave him another chance.

Was I wrong to do that? He has changed for now – quite drastically – but I know he could easily go back. I no longer love him. I also no longer find him attractive, and I actually think he’s immensely annoying. He’s trying to get me to fall back in love with him, but I really don’t want to. Do I stay or do I go?

– Wavering in Canada



Dear Wavering: Reread the last paragraph of your letter, and you will see in your own words why it’s time for you to go. He may be trying, but frankly, it is too late. Pack your bags. There’s nothing deader than a dead romance.Dear Abby: A friend recently shared some great advice. Her mom is 86 and in poor health, so my friend put together an emergency information briefcase for the trunk of her car and another one by the front door. If anyone needs to take her mother to the ER, all her important information is in two places. This includes medications, doctors, insurance cards, living will, power of attorney and family emergency numbers.

I took my friend’s advice, and it turned out to be a godsend when I had to take my 79-year-old mother to the ER after a serious fall. The admitting clerks said they wished everyone would do this. (I also included $100 in cash in a small envelope.) I hope you think her idea is worth sharing.

– Glad I Did in Alabama



Dear Glad: If the admitting clerks said they wished everyone would do this, then it’s worth a mention in my column. Readers, advance planning such as this could save precious minutes in an emergency.Dear Abby: Please settle a family disagreement. A scratch ticket is given to a friend or relative as a gift. If that ticket is a winner, is there an expectation that the winnings should be shared with the person who gave the ticket?

– Jeff in Massachusetts



Dear Jeff: A gift is a gift. There is no obligation to share. Alexander Pope wrote, “Hope springs eternal in the human breast,” but if you are hoping you’ll get a cut, don’t hold your breath. ]]> Mon, 20 May 2013 17:06:35 -0400 <![CDATA[ Tools and techniques for cleaning your deck ]]> http://www.buffalonews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20130520/LIFE03/130529973/1057
For some reason, they aren’t looking as green as they were last year, so the job will be a snap.

It has been a long time since I discussed deck cleaning in this space, probably because these few steps are all I have taken since we sold the house with the deck 12 years ago.

But because the summer entertainment season is coming, it might be appropriate to run through deck-cleaning 101 before the arrival of hotter weather, when things dry too quickly or not at all.

If you don’t want to do the job yourself – especially if it has been a while since the last cleaning – there are companies that will do it for you. Go online or ask your friends and neighbors.

If your deck is in a spot where the sun always shines, it is highly unlikely that there is a lot of mildew coating the wood.

You might need to just spot-clean and add a coat or two of waterproofing that needs 24 to 48 hours to dry between coats.

At least three days of good drying weather should elapse between cleaning and coating the deck. A cloudy day is best for cleaning, because the deck needs to stay wet to thoroughly clean the surface.

If it is too sunny or windy, the cleaner doesn’t have a chance to soak into the wood to do its work.

If you haven’t cleaned the deck in a couple of years, you might want to rent a power washer, but check them out first and read the instructions when you get one.

Be very, very careful if you’ve never used a power washer before. You can do serious damage to the wood if the spray is too hard or you lose control of the machine.

What cleaner do you use?

I’ve had great success with vinegar and water, as well as with diluted household chlorine bleach and with chemical-based cleaners you can buy in the store. I’ve also had luck with oxygenated bleach.

From my experience in working in a Colonial-era burial ground, OxiClean and water easily removes mildew from centuries-old headstones.

I also use OxiClean to wash the cedar siding on the north side of our bungalow. If you have properly painted the wood within the last few years, OxiCleaning (is that a word?) can save you a paint job.

I find it less overwhelming than the odor of chlorine bleach or chemical cleaners. Vinegar just makes me hungry for salad.

I mix whatever I’m using – a quart of white vinegar to four quarts of water, a 3-to-1 solution of water to bleach, or whatever is called for in the powdered or liquid chemical cleaner – and then let it sit for 10 minutes or so to settle.

I choose an area about 4 feet square and apply the cleaner with a sprayer.

Then I wait five minutes. To clean the area, I use a short-bristle brush that doesn’t dig into the wood. Next, I rinse the spot thoroughly with water, to stop the cleaning action, and move on to the next 4-by-4 area.

If there are plants underneath or near the deck, either cover them with plastic or soak them with enough water to neutralize any cleaning solution, even if the manufacturer says the solution won’t harm plants.

If you use bleach, wear old clothes. When I had a deck, I owned several colorful shirts with bleach stains on the cuffs.

As a postscript, a recent e-mail from reader Sandy Allison says she’s had great success combating mildew with Wet and Forget, which is available at Ace Hardware.

Finally, my neighbors have spent a large sum of money proving that aluminum siding can be successfully repainted.

The painters used a Benjamin Moore acrylic paint that they sprayed on after a very good cleaning, much of it by hand. ]]> Mon, 20 May 2013 07:55:13 -0400 By Alan J. Heavens

The Philadelphia Inquirer

]]> <![CDATA[ People’s Pharmacy: Is natural deodorant really safer? ]]> http://www.buffalonews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20130520/CITYANDREGION03/130529974/1057 Q. I’ve relied on natural crystal deodorants for years, with the understanding that they were safer than the usual antiperspirants. I was under the impression that they were free of aluminum. When I checked the label, it said “potassium alum.” Does that mean aluminum?



A. Yes; potassium alum is hydrated potassium aluminum sulfate. It is used in the purification of drinking water to get particles to precipitate out. Styptic pencils contain alum to stop bleeding from minor cuts. Alum also is used in most crystal deodorants.

The question of aluminum toxicity has been controversial for decades. A review of the evidence in the Journal of Alzheimer’s Disease (March 2011) concluded: The hypothesis that aluminum significantly contributes to Alzheimer’s disease is built upon very solid experimental evidence and should not be dismissed. Immediate steps should be taken to lessen human exposure to aluminum, which may be the single most aggravating and avoidable factor related to Alzheimer’s.

...

Q. I have had chronic constipation for years. It has probably contributed to my hemorrhoids.

I tried magnesium, and it helped a lot for a while, but I had to increase the dose to get the same effect. Do you have any suggestions as to what I can do? The doctors have only offered laxatives that are habit-forming. I desperately need help.



A. The usual recommendation for avoiding constipation is to increase fiber. Recent research, however, shows that fluid intake may be much more important (American Journal of Gastroenterology, May 2013).

You also might benefit from chewing sugarless gum. Nonsugar sweeteners such as maltitol, sorbitol and xylitol attract water within the intestines. This helps to soften the stool.

We are sending you our Guides to Constipation and Digestive Disorders with our 10 tips to combat constipation. Anyone who would like copies, please send $5 in check or money order with a long (No. 10), stamped (66 cents), self-addressed envelope to: Graedons’ People’s Pharmacy, No. GG-33, P.O. Box 52027, Durham, NC 27717-2027. It also can be downloaded for $2 from our website: www.peoplespharmacy.com.

You may find the recipe for Power Pudding, with wheat bran, applesauce and prune juice, is especially helpful.

...

Q. I have a cold sore, for which my doctor prescribed Xerese. It is a new medicine for cold sores.

I will take it in addition to L-lysine tablets and L-lysine cream. I hope it helps. What should I know about it?



A. This new cream is a combination of two old drugs, acyclovir and hydrocortisone. It should be applied at the first sign of a cold sore to speed healing. Since acyclovir is an antiviral drug active against herpes simplex 1 virus that causes cold sores, and hydrocortisone eases inflammation and helps skin heal, it should be helpful. If the sore does not clear up within two weeks, check back with your physician.

...

Q. Before leaving on a trip, scan a copy of your medical and eyeglass prescriptions. Attach them to an email that you send to yourself. Then they will always be as available as the nearest Internet connection wherever you are in the world. You might want to include the contact information of the doctors who write the prescriptions.



A. Thanks for this helpful suggestion just in time for summer vacation. Losing eyeglasses or a prescription can ruin a trip.



In their column, Joe and Teresa Graedon answer letters from readers. Write to them via www.PeoplesPharmacy.com. ]]> Mon, 20 May 2013 07:54:47 -0400 <![CDATA[ Money Manners: Do get gift for quickie wedding – but not right away ]]> http://www.buffalonews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20130520/CITYANDREGION03/130529975/1057 Dear Jeanne and Leonard: When our neighbor’s son “Andy” got married last year, we gave him and his bride a nice gift. Well, the ink was barely dry on their thank-you notes when the couple split up. Not that Andy stayed single for long. He’s now engaged again, and we’re invited to this wedding as well. Seriously, do we have to buy this kid another wedding present when he’s getting married for the second time in 10 months?

– Feeling Cranky, New England



Dear F.C.: We don’t blame you for feeling cranky. But just because Andy’s first marriage was shorter than a season of “Mad Men” doesn’t mean the second Mrs. Andy deserves to have her nuptials slighted. Plus, you probably don’t want to signal to your neighbors that you no longer take their son’s marriages seriously. So for their sake and the bride’s, give the couple a gift.

But take your time. Etiquette allows you a year to send your present, and rest assured: You won’t be the only folks who wait 11 months to see if these vows take.

...

Dear Jeanne and Leonard: At my neighbor “Ann’s” funeral, her husband took me aside and asked me to witness her cousin’s signature on a document. “Sam” said it was something “Allen” had signed shortly before Ann died, something important regarding property that Ann and Allen had inherited from their grandmother. While I hadn’t seen Allen sign the document, I didn’t feel I could say “no” at the funeral, so I signed what Sam handed me. Later, I realized I hadn’t even read it. What should I do? My husband says to forget about it, but I’m worried.

– Beth



Dear Beth: You’re right to worry. What if there’s a dispute between Sam and Allen over that property? What if they end up in court, and Allen says he never signed the document? That’s trouble you don’t need and Allen doesn’t deserve.

So, consider contacting Allen and asking him to confirm in writing that he signed the document Sam handed you. If he did sign it, he should thank you for witnessing his signature and happily write the letter. If he didn’t sign it, he’ll appreciate the heads-up.

Of course Sam won’t like being exposed, but so what? Your neighbor had no business pressuring you to falsely attest to the signature’s authenticity. And you were wrong to let him. All you can do now is make certain you aren’t complicit in the perpetration of a fraud.

...

Dear Jeanne and Leonard: My girlfriend “Marnie” and I are breaking up, so we’re selling our condo and splitting the proceeds. When we bought the place, we each put up half of the $18,000 down payment. I sold stock options to come up with my share, and Marnie got $9,000 from her parents. There was no formal agreement about their money, and I assumed it was a gift to Marnie. But now her mother says it was a loan to us as a couple, and she wants her $9,000 back. Do I really owe her anything?

– Blindsided, Toronto



Dear Blindsided: For it to have been a loan to you, Marnie or her parents had to tell you it was a loan before they put up the money. So, did they? Without a written agreement, all you can do is honestly try to recall whether – before Marnie’s parents wrote the check – either they or Marnie told you they expected you to repay them. If they did, you owe her parents $4,500 (and so does Marnie). But if they didn’t, and you’re sure they didn’t, you’re under no obligation to pay.

P.S.: If you decide to pay her parents $4,500, this will mean that you contributed $13,500 toward the down payment on the condo, while Marnie contributed $4,500. This imbalance shouldn’t be forgotten when you and Marnie go to divide the proceeds of the sale.



Please email your questions about money and relationships to Questions@MoneyManners.net. ]]> Mon, 20 May 2013 07:54:41 -0400 <![CDATA[ Miss Manners: Showing good will to others requires deft touch ]]> http://www.buffalonews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20130520/CITYANDREGION03/130529976/1057 Dear Miss Manners: I have at many times read in the paper about people buying meals, etc., for others as a gesture of kindness. I have found myself in situations where I would like to show similar good will, but have been hesitant to do so for fear of insulting the intended recipient.

Two examples come to mind:

I was shopping at the local supermarket and observed an older gentleman with two little girls (undoubtedly his granddaughters), and they seemed to be shopping very selectively as if they did not have a great deal of money to buy everything they wanted. I wanted to give him $20 and tell him to buy his girls something good for dinner, but was unable to approach him because I didn’t want to insult him.

Another time I was flying home, and there was a young man in military uniform sitting across the aisle from me. When the flight attendant came around offering food for purchase, could I have told her, “I’ll take a snack box, and I’d also like to buy that gentleman whatever he wants”?

Please advise how I might delicately offer a gesture of good will in the future.



Gentle Reader: Which kind of good will do you want to offer?

One type is paying for someone for whom the cost might be difficult. Another is doing so to offer thanks. And a third is to start a flirtation.

In the case of the grandfather, you don’t really know that money was a problem. He may be teaching the girls to shop carefully and setting a limit, as any sensible adult would do.

In any case, how would he have explained a handout from you to them without embarrassment? The only polite way to have done this would have been to slip the money to the cashier, and, when he discovered his bill was already paid, to say, “You’re such an adorable family, I wanted to treat you.”

As for your fellow passenger, you could have asked if you could buy him a snack as a gesture of appreciation for his service. Miss Manners notes that you should then have been prepared for his interpreting it as flirtation.Dear Miss Manners: How does one politely chastise an attendee at a social event who has not RSVPed as requested on the invitation?

Perhaps “chastise” is too strong a word, and I certainly don’t want to interrupt my own event with scolding, but this is an increasing problem that I feel should be addressed – in a polite way, of course.



Gentle Reader: Certainly guests should never be scolded; they should be greeted with enthusiastic hospitality. In this case, Miss Manners suggests exclaiming: “What an unexpected pleasure! When you didn’t answer my invitation, I figured it could only be because you were away.” ]]> Mon, 20 May 2013 07:54:34 -0400