The God Squad
Grave issues are at stake here
Q: While I was married, over 30 years ago, I had an affair with a man and we had a child. The father is Catholic and I am Jewish. He agreed that our daughter should be raised Jewish, since I never divorced my husband.
When my husband passed away, I told my daughter about her biological father and she expressed interest in meeting him, which she did. A few years ago, she passed away and was cremated, according to her wishes.
Her biological father recently contacted me and requested permission to bury some of her ashes in his grave when he dies. I’d already sent him some of her ashes, along with a lock of her hair. I had also made plans for my daughter’s ashes to be buried with me when I pass away. Are there any religious restrictions in either faith that would prevent us from fulfilling these wishes?— C., West Palm Beach, Fla.
A: I get this question all the time! Just kidding. What we have here is a combination of several desires and several violations of deeply held religious convictions. From what I understand, these are the facts: Your deceased husband is buried. You did not identify his religion, so I’ll presume he was Jewish and is buried in a Jewish cemetery. Your daughter from your affair was not only raised Jewish, but she was Jewish because you are Jewish.
According to Jewish law, cremation is prohibited. It’s not prohibited under Catholic law but is discouraged. Jewish law requires that a Jewish person be buried in a Jewish cemetery in a grave that only contains one person. Therefore, the request to have your daughter’s ashes and hair buried in the grave of her biological father, or for that matter, in any other person’s grave, including your own, is forbidden.
I personally have made an exception to the cremation rule when the deceased person has already been cremated. In such cases, I’ve authorized burial of the urn in a grave. That is what I suggest to you. Have your daughter’s cremated remains buried in one grave in a Jewish cemetery—next to the grave of your deceased husband.
When you pass away, you should also be buried next to your husband and daughter. What you might do, however, to accommodate both your wishes in some modest way, would be to split the lock of your daughter’s hair—not her ashes. You could be buried with some of that hair in your pocket, and her biological father could be buried with some of the hair in his pocket.
I don’t know if King Solomon would approve of my compromise to divide the hair in half, but it seems to me, if not Solomonic, then at least Solomonish.
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Q: I’m not a Christian, but something happened to me recently that seemed like a miracle. While I was driving, the gas pedal of the car got stuck after I accelerated. I tried to lift it up with my toe, but to no avail. I considered my options but resolved myself to certain death.
As soon as I knew in my heart I was going to crash and die, an image appeared on my windshield of a young man with longish hair and a cropped beard and mustache. When I looked at him, the gas pedal popped back up and the image vanished. The man never spoke but I knew He was Jesus. Shaking, I pulled off the parkway, got out and thanked God for saving my life.
I wasn’t drinking, on drugs, or impaired in any other way. I don’t know why God saved me that day but He did. Do you believe in miracles, even if they cross religious lines?— M.
A: I follow a faith that teaches me not to rely on miracles. This teaching is more nuanced than it seems. Miracles may be real or simply the enthusiastic remembrance of things past. Whatever the truth of what happened to you, I’m glad you’re safe. My best advice is to always be open to miracles, and also to get that faulty gas pedal checked out!
Rabbi Marc Gellman is happy to try to answer your religious, personal or ethical questions. Send questions only to The God Squad, c/o Tribune Media Services, 2225 Kenmore Ave., Suite 114, Buffalo, NY 14207, or e-mail them to godsquadquestion@aol.com .
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