Is it all about the head count?
Dear Miss Manners: If a relative doesn’t respond to a wedding invitation, or if they RSVP by checking ‘no’ and adding no congratulatory note, is that a signal that they do not wish to associate with the marrying couple?
I wasn’t expecting gifts from those who could not attend, or even from those who did attend, but an RSVP or even a short personal note scribbled on the RSVP card would have been nice. The wedding was local, less than a two-hour drive for most attendees. I was careful not to violate any etiquette rules in my invitation, such as including registry information or mentioning gifts in any way.
It wasn’t a lavish affair because we paid for it ourselves and kept it within our budget, but we did provide a nice meal and music at the reception. I sincerely wanted to bring the family together and am feeling hurt by the silence from several relatives.
Gentle Reader: Absolutely, those who declined your invitations should have congratulated you. But Miss Manners can’t help noticing that by using response cards, you offered them an impersonal and mindless way of reacting, as if getting a head count were your only concern.
Reader seeks rationale
Dear Miss Manners: In listing the obligations of a good houseguest, you mentioned using one’s own telephone. I am old enough to remember the days when long-distance calls were paid by the minute, and a guest would place a call, keep track of its duration, and attempt to reimburse the host for it. This is certainly one incidence in which the invention of the mobile phone has been a good thing.
However, I’m curious: Why is telephone usage the only expense thus singled out? The guest eats and drinks, uses electricity, hot water and laundry supplies, soap and other consumables. Is there a reason that phone use is not part of the hosting package? I accept the rule but would love to know the rationale.
Gentle Reader: When the guest eats and drinks, the hosts can eat and drink. When the electricity is on, it shines on the guest and host alike. With any luck, they can both take showers at the same time, although Miss Manners knows about the problems in old houses.
However, when the guest uses the telephone or, for that matter, the host’s computer, the host is cut off from sending and receiving communications. Therefore, the considerate guest brings his own devices or asks permission to use the host’s and minimizes usage.
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