Time for a new policy
Dear Miss Manners: Myself and three other people carpool to work in the mornings and afternoons, and each week we take turns driving. Usually, whoever’s driving listens to music and/or news radio at a very low volume.
However, one of the people in the carpool listens to religious Christian music and/or Christian talk radio. I find this to be very rude because I personally am not religious, and I think it’s wrong to “assume” that everyone else has the same religious views as he/she. In addition, this person plays the music in their car very loudly.
Am I wrong in this? Should I be offended? I know some of the other riders have mentioned their distaste in this person’s choice of radio stations.
Is there a “tactful” way to address this? Some of us have even gone so far as to listen to iPods on the rides in hopes this person would “get the hint” but to no avail.
Gentle Reader: You don’t need a hint; you need a policy. And not a religious policy, either.
It seems to Miss Manners that this driver is acting within your current policy to play his or her choice of radio programs. He or she (can’t you look in the front seat and figure out which?) need not assume you agree with it or like it; the only point is that he does.
Suggesting a new policy by which everyone gets to approve the choice of stations will avoid one ugly confrontation, although possibly inspire another. Or you could all disappear into your iPods.
Money isn’t everything
Dear Miss Manners: I moved back to a state where I had previously resided, while my wife and daughter stayed behind to sell the house. I am now maintaining two residences on one salary, which, as you can imagine, is a strain financially.
My friends here are wonderful and invite me to do many things, including activities that involve at least moderate expense. I simply cannot afford to do these things. My friends, conscious of the situation, ALWAYS pay.
My protestations, my offers to pay at least part of the cost, my polite declining of invitations, are all waved away with love and compassion. I adore them all for their kindness and generosity, but I am starting to feel subsidized, and don’t want to be a mooch, ESPECIALLY since I love them so much.
I have offered dinner to them all upon the reunion of my family, but what else can I do to avoid being a financial leech and still spend time with these marvelous people? They refuse my refusals, knowing the reason behind them.
Gentle Reader: Money is not the only commodity that friends can provide for one another, and not even the most valuable one, handy as it may be. You could be doing other sorts of favors for your kind friends.
Now you are probably going to ask Miss Manners what favors. People are always asking her what presents to give to their dearest friends whom she has never laid eyes on.
Think of something helpful you can offer without its seeming like payment: “I’ll pick everyone up so we don’t all have to look for parking,” or “I’m doing my lawn this weekend and I’d be happy to do yours—it’s how I get my exercise,” or “You don’t need a carpenter to fix that—woodworking is my hobby.”
Send your congrats
Dear Miss Manners: My brother has a friend whose wife recently gave birth to a baby with Down syndrome. My brother was about to talk to his friend for the first time since the birth and did not know what to say to him. He asked my advice and I suggested he simply say, “Congratulations on the birth of your baby.” Was this good advice, or was more called for in this situation?
Gentle Reader: That more would be called for is a dangerous thought that often leads to a cruel form of rudeness. Miss Manners reminds you that births are to be celebrated, not critiqued.
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