Parents share secret shame
Dear Abby: Please print this for “Ashamed in California” (March 28), who feels tremendous guilt for “not loving” her hard-to-manage son. I’m a psychotherapist and the mother of two boys, one of whom is “difficult.”
The reason “Ashamed” hasn’t heard other moms admit to having negative feelings toward their child is they, too, feel shame. Like her, they have accepted the idea that mothers are supposed to be perfect and feel positive toward their children all the time, even if they’re behaving badly.
In my clinical practice, ALL the mothers admit to not liking their kids at times. Advising “Ashamed” to have her son evaluated for a possible disorder was good advice. But if she does and there is no diagnosis, her son could simply be a headstrong child. (They usually grow up to be likable, responsible adults, by the way.)
Her misery can be alleviated by understanding that she’s not a bad parent for having totally normal feelings. Love for a child is constant. LIKING can vary from minute to minute, depending on how the child is acting.
—Psychotherapist in S. C.
Dear Psychotherapist: Thank you for sharing your insight. Many readers were eager to share their personal experiences of dealing with a difficult child and the range of emotions that goes along with it. Read on:
Dear Abby: I felt the same way! I loved my oldest son, but I wasn’t “in love” with him as I was the other two. He was spinning out of control, constantly whining, aggressive toward his siblings, and unpleasant to be around even on a good day.
Eventually we discovered he has celiac disease (intolerance to gluten, causing a host of physical and behavior problems due to malnutrition). Once the fog cleared, we were able to see the wonderful boy he really was. For the first time in three years, I now feel love for him instead of a sense of obligation.
—Enlightened in Minnesota
Dear Abby: I tried many things to change my attitude toward my difficult child. As a last resort two months ago, we went to his pediatrician. After completing a physical and some paperwork, he diagnosed my son with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) as well as ADHD. He is now taking medication, and we have begun family counseling. My shame and anger dissolved as I began to understand the reasons behind his behavior and learn specific ways to deal with it.
—Understands Her Pain in Ohio
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P. O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069.
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