‘Miss Manners is not charmed by obscenities.’
Vandalism is not the answer
Dear Miss Manners: When I parked my car in a public parking lot, I noticed a car had a bumper sticker that read, “If you have nothing to say, just shut the ----up.”
It could have used theHword, which I would not have objected to, but rather, it used the Fword— all 4 letters of it. If the person wanted to put that in some private location, fine—but I thought exposing it to children in public view was inappropriate. Since it was easily removable, I did so— and threw it away.
I suppose I could have dropped it inside the driver’s window with a note—but someone that insensitive would surely have ignored my objection and put it right back.
Waiting for the person to show up and confronting him/her was neither appropriate (who knows how long before he/she showed up) nor, these days, safe.
Yes, the First Amendment probably would say this was an illegal action on my part. How would you have handled it? (I could keep some paint in my car to paint over such situations, but that seems rather silly.)
Gentle Reader: Here is what strikes Miss Manners as silly:
Appealing to an etiquette authority to condone petty vandalism, and fantasies of worse.
Making light of the First Amendment to a journalist.
Miss Manners is no more charmed than you by the widespread public use of obscenities.
However, she paid attention in civics class, which apparently not everyone did. So she knows that the protection of free speech means the protection of offensive speech.
Mind you, she condemns foul language. She just refuses to condone or to use foul behavior to do so.
If you wish to protect children, she urges you to refrain from using objectionable words, even under stress; train your own children not to do so; and intelligently explain to them why it bothers you when other people do.
Showing up sick
Dear Miss Manners: I am a stay-at-home mom of a 2-year-old. All of my close friends have children within the same range, and we enjoy play dates together and even the occasional Saturday nights together with our families.
One of our friends continues to bring her sick child around when we are all well. The rest of us “quarantine” ourselves when we are sick, whether this means missing a standing play date or something even more special.
I understand that she really likes to be involved in every get-together, but this is so unfair to the rest of us. To make matters worse, she frequently asks me to watch her child when her regular day care can’t. She has actually dropped him off, only for me to discover that he is sick.
As she has frequently been one to comment that her family doesn’t worry about getting sick, I don’t know how to tell her that the rest of us do!
Should I continue to suffer in silence?
Gentle Reader: That depends on how much you are willing to suffer. And to expose your husband and child to suffering.
However, Miss Manners cautions you not to plead that or trump up excuses. There is nothing wrong with your saying pleasantly, “I’m sorry, but I can’t take your child when he is sick” or, if you feel safer invoking the group, “We’ve all been seeing one another for a long time, and the rule is that sick children must stay home.”
If she reacts badly, so be it.
Dealing with callers
Dear Miss Manners: What are your suggestions for ways to handle telephone solicitors for charities?
After verifying my name, each solicitor rattles off a long, prepared speech about the vital work of the charity. I wait until they reach the part about which donation level “best suits my needs,” and reply: “Thank you, but I don’t respond to telephone solicitations. Good luck with your campaign.” Then I hang up. Despite their uninvited intrusion, I don’t wish to be impolite to these people, but is there a way to cut their fund-raising spiels short?
Gentle Reader: Sure: Give the same speech you already give, but give it earlier—the very minute that you realize that it is a solicitation. Miss Manners considers it a courtesy to the caller not to make him recite the entire speech when it is doomed to produce no result.
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