Dear Miss Manners: After attending the first of many weddings we were invited to, we have been made aware of a new trend. Or, maybe it is an old trend that we were just unaware of.

It seems that wedding “invitations” aren’t necessarily an invitation to the actual event, but could be just an “announcement” of the event with the expectation that you won’t actually attend but will send a gift.

It now seems (after the fact) that our first invite was exactly that. I took the invitation at face value—as an invitation to attend—and did so at great expense because we had to travel quite a distance.

After we arrived in town, I was informed by a third party of a trend of sending “Courtesy Invitations” to people you don’t expect to attend, and therefore, no RSVP card is included. (RSVP cards are not always a practice, depending on the type of wedding, so I wasn’t concerned that one wasn’t included.) Needless to say, I was mortified, embarrassed and offended that such a practice would even be considered. I have already purchased airplane tickets to attend the next wedding, 2,000 miles away, and now I am wondering if we are “really” invited.

If one is “announcing” the wedding, why not send announcement cards instead of actual invitations? The postage is the same, and the consequences are much less offensive.

Gentle Reader: It’s been a while— oh, maybe a week—since Miss Manners heard of a new atrocity against etiquette invented by those who are planning weddings. But the idea of sending noninvitations (“Here’s what we sent to people we want to attend, but you’re not one of them”) qualifies.

She is hoping against hope, or rather against experience, that this is the work of a lone crazy—the person who told you this—or at most, of a pair of them. Every time she thinks that, it is only to be deluged with reports that such a practice has spread like the flu.

But surely your supposed hosts know you are coming because you replied to their (apparent) invitations. Don’t tell Miss Manners that you bought into the absurd notion that a host who doesn’t supply guests with the materials needed to reply doesn’t care to get replies.

Unfair work practice

Dear Miss Manners: I am a part-time executive assistant, and part of my job is to manage files, sort out business papers, etc., in the office. My boss is asking me to sort his old papers, arrange all his files in order (from 20 years) that he has stored, at his home, for a month, which is not a part of my job. How do I say no to him and still retain my job?

Gentle Reader: “I can’t take on a second job right now, but let me help you find someone. How much do you want to pay?”