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Congratulations on signing up for spin class. For building muscles and cardio, it’s the best exercise there is. Good for you. Give yourself a hand. You may find the workouts challenging in the beginning, so for you newcomers, a tip:

When class is over, do not leave the gym for 15 minutes. That way when you collapse, our specially trained instructors will be there to call 911. (It also ensures that unattractive strangers will not be stepping over your body.)

Don’t we all feel more confident now?

Great. Let me hear you holler, “Yeah!” Holler like the warrior/athlete/robo-commandos you are, not the pasty little wuss you used to be.

You call that a yell? The wimps in yoga scream louder than that when someone spills water on their mat. Let’s hear it: WA-HOOOOOOOO!!!!! Scream like it hurts. Like the muscles in your thighs are on fire and your lungs are about to explode and you’re bleeding from the ears and you are about to pass out. Yeah, it’s that good.

OK, let’s talk about your outfit. No loose-fitting clothing. You’ll want tight padded shorts, and for the ladies, tight tops, preferably midriff baring, to annoy the women who are older than you. For shorts, we recommend the ones on sale in reception with our logo: the skull with the roadkill kitten in its teeth, for $60. We’ll also be providing you with bike shoes, which clip into your pedals. They make it harder for you to run away.

What kind of music do you like? Oldies, ’50s and ’60s? Then we recommend taking class with Sean, who plays techno/psycho. At 100 decibels, you’ll lose your hearing by the end of the third class anyway.

Hydration: It is very important to keep hydrated. We recommend 2 gallons of potassium-infused coconut bladderwrack energy drink before class and 2 quarts during. No bathroom breaks. What do you think, this is grandma’s aqua class? Hold it in, work that bladder! Your bottle holders are beneath your handlebars. Familiarize yourself with their location now. When we dim the lights, you won’t be able to find your shorts with two hands in the dark, and from what I can see, those are pretty large shorts. You call that a laugh at your own expense? Let’s hear it.

HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!!

OK, ready to ride? Remember, you know your body, just go at your own pace. Ha, ha, just messing with you.

We’ll start our warm-up with your resistance dial set low, just riding along on a flat country road. With zombies chasing you. Let’s get ready to sprint. SPRINT, SPRINT, SPRINT, SPRINT, SPRINT! What’s the matter, do you want to get eaten by a zombie? Uh-oh, he’s reaching under your top and tearing out some nice, soft guts. You’ve got 25 feet of intestine, you can spare a few feet, but you still better speed it up. MOVE! I want to visualize your intestines stretching out behind you. LEFT/RIGHT/LEFT/RIGHT! How we doing, team? Let’s hear you holler. Is that how you holler when your guts are stretched out behind you like a bungee cord? Let me hear it.

AaaaaaIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!

OK, three-second rest, hydrate, towel off. Don’t lose the rhythm. WIPE/WIPE/WIPE/WIPE! Give yourself a hand. Great work. Except for the woman who’s slumped on her handlebars in the second row. You with us, honey? Good. Just keep spinning. Your left arm goes numb, just power through.

OK, we’re going to do hills and jumps. Increase that resistance, rotating your dial to the right a few times so on a scale of 1 to 10, it’s 13, and SIT/STAND/SIT/STAND/SIT/STAND! I want to see you leaping out of that saddle like a rocket. Haul till you hurl! Press till you arrest! This should be tough. If it’s not tough, you’re not challenging yourself. Go join a book club. Discussion question: Why do I spin like an 8-year-old girl?

You feeling good? You feeling ready for a real challenge? Let me hear, “Yeah!” Not like you’re the guy somebody gets ahead of at Trader Joe’s and you don’t have the nerve to do anything; like you’re gonna ram that bottle of Trader Giotto’s olive oil down his throat. Holler like you mean it:

YEEEAAAAHHHH!!!

That’s more like it. Now reach down under your saddles and grab your dumbbells – first timers, you’ll find some light 20-pound weights – and on my count stand and press those weights straight up over your shoulders.

STAND/PRESS/SIT/STAND/PRESS/SIT!

Now let’s mix it up: Riders with even-numbered bikes, stand and punch those dumbbells like you’re Rocky, riders with odd-numbered bikes, stand and duck.

You ready?

STAND/DUCK/SIT/STAND/DUCK/SIT! Keep it going for three minutes.

Now rest. That was awesome. Except for that guy in the back with blood coming out of his ears. Somebody shove him off the bike. And tell the front desk we’ve got an opening.