FOCUS: MILITARY FAMILIES “I cry a lot, and I lose my temper easily. I’ve had to take on a lot more responsibility.” — CATHERINE M. SCHMIDT, WHOSE HUSBAND IS NOW ON HIS THIRD DEPLOYMENT OVERSEAS
Repeated deployments to fight two wars takes huge emotional and financial toll
Catherine M. Schmidt has had a lot of practice living without her husband. He serves with the Army National Guard and has been to Iraq twice and is now serving in Afghanistan.
“I cry a lot, and I lose my temper easily,” she said of when he is gone from their Town of Niagara home. “I’ve had to take on a lot more responsibility. There’s a lack of sleep and a lot more coffee drinking.”
Her story is an increasingly common one as two wars grind on. In total, 1.7 million men and women in uniform have served in Iraq and Afghanistan, with large numbers called up for two and sometimes three deployments. Like Schmidt’s husband, Sgt. 1st Class Earl M. Schmidt, who has been stationed away from home for more than two of the last five years.
At times, almost 40 percent of the armed forces serving in Iraq and Afghanistan have been from National Guard and Reserve units, meaning that citizen soldiers such as Earl Schmidt have become a mainstay in the all-volunteer military.
The toll on families and relationships back home has been steep, with casualties including crumbling marriages, financial hardship and frayed child-parent bonds.
The military does not directly track whether married service members involved in multiple deployments are more likely to end up divorced. Different federal statistics indicate that the number of failed marriages in the military does not exceed civilian divorce rates.
The same is true regarding the rates of spousal and child abuse, which were on par or lower than national levels for civilians.
But there is no way to dress up the fact that multiple deployments are difficult, especially for those left behind.
Domestic responsibilities — such as caring for children, paying the bills and maintaining the house and the car — might sound mundane compared with the life-and-death experiences of the battle zone. But just try carrying on single-handedly for months, and watch as that turns into years.
“I’m stressing big time,” said Catherine Schmidt, whose husband serves with the Army National Guard based at the Masten Avenue Armory. “I just had surgery, and so did my daughter.”
Her husband is beside himself. “He does not know what to do, and he can’t come home,” she said.
There is some relief, though. Schmidt has found it in her role as president of the 2nd/101st C-Troop Family Readiness Group.
“I’m supposed to be strong for everyone else, and I’m the one falling apart, and they’re reaching out to me,” she said. “I’m very fortunate.”
Getting through the trials she now faces is only part of the struggle with multiple deployments.
Army Reserve 1st Sgt. Gregory Reinbold, with the 402nd Civil Affairs Battalion based in the Town of Tonawanda, is on his third deployment. He and his wife, Catherine, are able to communicate by phone and e-mail, but even that has its shortcomings.
“When you’re home if you don’t know what to say you can give somebody a hug to show them you love them,” he wrote in an e-mail. “When you are 8,000 miles away it is hard to pick up on the other person’s mood and you can’t give them a hug.”
Staying in touch provides a separate set of challenges, said Army National Guard Spc. Bill Snyder of Strykersville. He has been deployed four times, including once to Iraq, since Sept. 11, 2001, totaling about two years.
He learned that it is difficult — and dangerous — to try being simultaneously a family man and a warrior.
Knowing what was going on back home sometimes meant that there were days he would find himself “going out on a combat mission and you’re thinking about the kids. What they did wrong or what the wife is having issues with.”
In contrast with the experiences of other military families, Wheatfield resident Patti Treverton, a nurse practitioner, a wife and a mother of three, has embraced the military way of life that has taken her husband away for nearly three years since 9/11.
“To tell the truth, we wouldn’t have it any other way. Our children have grown up with a true sense of what it means to serve, and the words ‘duty, honor and country’ have real meaning to them,” she said. “They are proud of their father in ways that other children their age can’t really understand. Yes, he’s missed holidays, soccer, ballet and birthdays, but they [the children] are willing to accept that.”
Coming home
When a service member does return home from war, there’s a whole new set of issues the family faces. It could be spousal abuse, an issue that grabbed headlines several years ago, or it could simply be couples relearning how to get along.
Husbands and wives with the most serious problems “have either divorced or they have less time together because of multiple deployment,” said Dr. Charles R. Figley, co-author of the book “Combat Stress Injuries.”
Military officials acknowledge the stress on spouses but say they are providing more access to counseling programs and other mental health services.
Although it might seem like a relief to have a second adult back home helping cover the bases, the caretaker who was already at home can grow accustomed to running the show.
“When he gets back, we basically have to start all over again. I like doing my own thing. I like to have fun and work at the same time, and he doesn’t,” Catherine Reinbold said of her husband, who will have been away more than three years since his first deployment to Iraq in 2003. First Sgt. Reinbold currently serves in Africa on a classified mission.
When Patti Treverton’s husband returns from his fourth deployment, she knows there will be some difficult moments. But, she says, the family will welcome Army National Guard 1st Sgt. Patrick Treverton when he comes home from Afghanistan.
“He just doesn’t walk back through the door and you say, ‘Hi, you’re home.’ There is definitely work involved, and it is certainly worth the work. He’s happy to be home, and we’re overjoyed. We’re a good solid family,” she said.
Experts who advise the military say a commitment to improving communication skills is necessary for the returning veteran and family members if reintegrations are going to succeed.
“It’s flexibility and the ability to anticipate and manage the wide variety of stressors, so that each time there is a deployment, the family members are able to learn and apply the lessons,” Figley said.
Reinbold, who runs her own business trimming the hooves of dairy cattle in the Allegany County community of Fillmore, says that after a deployment, she and her husband communicate through humor and good-natured teasing to get past the rough patches.
“We goof around and pick on each other. We get along after about a month. It’s just getting used to him being home,” said Reinbold, the mother of a 15-year-old son, Patrick.
Communication skills
Families of those with multiple deployments say experience is the best teacher.
Michelle Snyder, wife of Bill Snyder, said she and her husband now possess enhanced skills to cope with future homecomings. But the knowledge was hard won.
“After deployment, it becomes very, very difficult to become a family again,” she said. “You forget that you have to tell the other person, ‘OK, I’m running to the store.’
“We had a really hard time for six months, trying to find ourselves as a couple and a family again. He would have times where he’d have a flashback or would zone out or be too quick to respond, like if the kids did something. We weren’t used to this,” said the 36-year-old mother of two.
To deal with the pressures, Bill Snyder, who has been deployed four times with the Army National Guard, participated in family counseling, and that seems to have worked, Michelle Snyder said.
“We take a deep breath and talk. We keep the lines of communication open. We expect he will have another overseas deployment in the near future, and you learn from your mistakes,” she said.
It often comes down to mastering communication skills.
And that work should start well before the deployment, according to Figley, the co-author.
The more work done ahead of time, especially for the sake of children in the family, the better it is for everyone, Figley said, explaining that young children depend on stable emotional attachments with parents, while older adolescents look to adults to set boundaries.
“If there is no fence, you’re not sure where the boundaries stop,” he said.
That means the time these families have together is all the more precious in forging bonds and being about the work of parenting.
“It really comes down to having good communication as a value. The parents value what the children are saying, and the children learn from that,” Figley said. “You work at it. You take it seriously.”
