I pity the fool who goes to "The A-Team" thinking it might actually be a good movie.

It isn't, not by any definition. Truth to tell, the movie is absolutely terrible —

pointless, hopelessly and brazenly corrupt (pay close attention to the product placements

— GMC Trucks, Budweiser beer, etc.) and every bit as idiotically loud as a

"Transformers" movie.

But also — just as much truth to tell — it IS fun, every now and then.

This, to be sure, is the distinctly lesser of the two movies that comprise '80s retro

weekend at your local megaplex. "The Karate Kid," from the 1984 smash hit movie, is the good

one. This one, from the mid-'80s NBC series starring a decidedly compromised George Peppard

(for proof he was a good actor once, see "Breakfast at Tiffany's" and "The Blue Max" one of

the most underrated movies of the past half century) is all of the following things:

unrelenting, star-crossed, as opposed to star-studded, and going nowhere.

Remember that the original Stephen Cannell TV show became such a national phenomenon that

Mr. T — who played B. A. Baracus — was once photographed with Nancy Reagan on his

lap at a charity event. You can bet the farm that Michelle Obama won't be photographed

anywhere near the lap of Quinton "Rampage" Jackson, who plays B. A. this time.

Movie Review: "The A-Team"

2 stars

Starring Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper, Quinton "Rampage" Jackson and Sharlto Copley. 117

minutes. Directed by Joe Carnahan. Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of action and violence

throughout, language and smoking. Opened Friday in area theaters.

Because a big-budget heavy metal action movie can afford a B+ cast, the movie is full of

wisecracks by the actors handled with something resembling certifiable deftness — most

notably by Bradley Cooper of "Hangover" fame as Face, the team's smart-aleck Romeo and the

extraordinary South African actor Sharlto Copley (see "District 9") as nutcase Murdock, a

fellow who uses a hospital defibrillator to jump start an ambulance engine and anti-freeze as

his "secret sauce" while barbecuing chicken.

Liam Neeson growls in his bass register through the whole movie as the team's commander

Hannibal Smith. He wears enough hair gel through the movie that every strand of hair stays in

the exact same place throughout its 121 minute running time, even though the movie supposedly

takes place over a nine-year period.

All the cast members exhibit carefully contrived insouciance, even though the only one

who'd be able to spell it is the character played by Neeson (who is clever enough to combat B.

A.'s sudden adherence to Gandhian nonviolence with the proper activist Gandhi quote.)

Throw in '80s TV star Gerald McRaney in a small role and Patrick Wilson and Jessica Biel in

supporting roles (she's the beauteous Army stick-in-the-mud who says they're the best op unit

in the world, even if they do specialize in the ridiculous) and you've got a cast beyond what

the movie deserves.

Before it's over, you'll get answers to such questions as "can a tank fly," can a C-130 win

a chicken run against a Humvee and can actors survive such dialogue exchanges as "Q: you

realize, she's D. O. D." A: "I don't care if she's G-O-D."

It is, by the close, deeply fatiguing. Still, you can't entirely dismiss a movie when the

star says such things as "give me a minute, I'm good. Give me an hour, I'm great. Give me six

months, I'm unbeatable."

Good line, but by my lights, this movie took much longer than six months to write, plan,

cast and film and even so the Karate Kid, 11 years old, kicks its butt.