The Drumstick Dash is a 5K Thanksgiving morning run/walk in which thousands of slightly deranged people brave the bitter cold and nearly freeze to death, thereby demonstrating solidarity with the Pilgrims. All I really needed to know, I learned in the Drumstick Dash:
People are more jovial when their heads are stuffed into plush turkey cavities, with artificial wings flapping beside their ears and two large furry drumsticks jutting into the air.
If everyone else wore artificial turkeys on their heads, you might want to, too.
People drag themselves from bed, then force their sleepy bodies into the freezing cold to run and walk on Thanksgiving morning so that they can stuff themselves guilt free the rest of the day.
If you miscalculate as to where you place yourself in a crowd of runners and walkers, you may wind up running with a fast crowd.
The euphoria of mistakenly being caught up in a fast crowd – people who wear tank tops in 32-degree weather, do not huff and puff when they run as though their lungs are on fire and pad softly instead of thunder with their feet – can lead to serious delusions.
Never believe that you can run an entire 5K when you have not adequately trained for a 5K.
Once you start running with a fast crowd, it is nearly impossible to get out of a fast crowd.
If you attempt slow your pace in a fast crowd, others, maybe even your 20-something daughter who has never felt a quake or pain in her youthful body, may yell embarrassing things at you like, “Don’t slow down. Look behind you! If you slow down now, you will be killed. Keep running!”
When you run with a fast crowd, there is the real possibility that you will become the filling in a very flat Thanksgiving Day panini with Nike-tread imprint.
If you again attempt to slow your pace and separate from a fast crowd, the same beloved daughter may yell, “RUN, FORREST, RUN!”
You can always get even with your children later.
If you face the prospect of expiring on Thanksgiving, steel yourself to do it after the stuffing, mashed potatoes, hot rolls and pumpkin pie, not before.
It is humiliating to approach the finish line and nearly be passed by a 7-year-old.
You can easily distract a 7-year-old at holiday time by yelling, “Look, over there – it’s Santa handing out candy!”
Two hours after completing a 5K you did not adequately train for, every muscle in your body will contract so severely that you will not be able to do “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes.” You may be able to do the head and shoulders part, in which case you can dull the pain by lifting your fork to your mouth.
Lori Borgman is the author of “My Memory is Shot, All I Retain Now is Water.” Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.