Dear Abby: A couple of years ago, my husband informed me that he likes to dress in women’s clothing. Since then he has read books, is seeing a counselor, and the reality is, he is transgender. He now wears his hair long and has long fingernails.
I have tried to be understanding and have gone places with him when he is dressed as a woman. He has met other transgender people who have either made the full transition or are content without it. I allow my husband time with these new friends without me. I did feel weird that he was clothes shopping and going to movies with his new friends.
I have reconciled with these activities and I’m OK with them so far. But I have told him that if he decides to change his gender to female, I will not be able to be married to him. He’s on hormones at the moment and has told me he plans to start testosterone blockers.
I love him, Abby, but NOT the woman side of him. Am I unreasonable to put a boundary on my marriage? He thinks if he slowly eases me into the idea that it will be OK. He says I am his “world” and I should love him no matter what gender he is. Am I being selfish?
– Somewhere in the Northwest
Dear Somewhere: You appear to be a loving and accepting wife. You may be your husband’s world, but his world is changing – and along with it, so is yours. It is not selfish to take care of yourself. You did not enter your marriage to be partnered with another woman, and you should not be made to feel guilty remaining with one if it’s not what you want. Some spouses stay together; others just can’t.
If you haven’t heard of the Straight Spouse Network, it is a confidential support network of current or former heterosexual spouses or partners of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender mates. It was founded in 1991, and its mission is to help straight spouses or partners cope with coming-out issues, and help mixed-orientation couples and their children build bridges of understanding.
To learn more about it and find a support group near you, visit www.straightspouse.org.
Don’t forget: It’s your day
Dear Abby: I’m getting married next year. I am very excited to be marrying my fiance, a kind and caring man. But I am not at all excited to go dress shopping. What should I do?
– No-Frills Girl in Dayton, Ohio
Dear No-Frills Girl: No law says you must go dress shopping for your wedding if you don’t want to. Tailor your wedding to your own tastes, and make it simple and casual. It’s your day, so do what feels right for you.
Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 60069.