Dear Abby: My sister “Nicole” faked several pregnancies to keep her boyfriends around until they wised up. She is now really pregnant by a married man.
Nicole has a long criminal history and has been in and out of jail for various offenses. She’s now facing drug charges that could land her in jail for the next 10 or 15 years. If she’s found guilty, my mother will get custody of the baby so it won’t have to stay in foster care.
My parents are in their late 50s and financially capable, but they’re not in the best of health. Mom plans to raise the child until Nicole gets out of prison because my sister “always wanted to be a mom.”
My husband and I have been discussing adopting a child and would love to adopt Nicole’s baby. If we did, we’d get a child and could provide the love, safety and security my sister cannot. And the child would get a stable home. Mom feels Nicole “deserves” to be a mom, despite the fact that she’s going to jail and flits from man to man searching for someone to love her.
How can I get my mother to see that the needs of this baby HAVE to come first? She should be more concerned with this innocent baby than her drugged-out daughter. Am I wrong to feel hurt and think my mother is choosing her over me?
– Heartbroken in Alabama
Dear Heartbroken: Stop personalizing this as a choice your mother is making between you and your sister. Try instead to make her understand how traumatic it will be to a child who could be as old as 10 or 15 to be handed over to a virtual stranger who has no job, no money and a long uphill climb to try and build a future.
Your sister may have always dreamed of motherhood, but the most important part of being a parent – aside from loving a child – is being PRESENT. If your sister is found guilty, she will be absent long after her child’s primary attachments will have formed.
If this doesn’t convince your mother to change her mind, you will have no choice but to accept her decision and consider adopting another child.
P.S. Perhaps your father will understand that what you’re proposing makes sense and will speak on your behalf.
Try being kind and loving
Dear Abby: I thought I’d share my own New Year’s resolution with you. For the past 25 years I have made the following resolution: Each day I will ask myself, “What is the kindest, most loving thing I can say or do at this particular moment?” I invite your readers to consider this.
– Wayne in Puyallup, Wash.
Dear Wayne: I consider it a refreshingly positive way to start a day, and I’m sure others will agree and add it to their list of New Year’s resolutions. Thank you for sharing it.