ADVERTISEMENT

Dear Miss Manners: The parents of a recent college grad mentioned that she needed a car (to drive to a new job, hopefully) and maybe related family members could pull together and find her suitable transportation.

One thing grew into another – aunts and uncles dropped out of the effort – and I wound up purchasing her a brand-new car off the dealer lot. I even let her pick the color. Red, of course.

Did I ever get a phone call after she picked up the car? No. Did we create a spoiled brat?

Gentle Reader: Apparently that was already accomplished by parents who taught her that if she wanted something they cannot afford, it would be all right to pressure other people to give it to her.

And amazingly enough, you complied.

But the ingratitude is amazing only because of its dimensions. All presents, big or small, require acknowledgment, despite the claim of the beneficiaries that it is selfish of the giver to expect any such return. And those people must be experts on selfishness.

But Miss Manners notes that your relative, who is old enough to be responsible for her own behavior, is acting not only callously, but also against her own future interests. Whom will she turn to when she wants a yacht?

More like wrong and insensitive

Dear Miss Manners: I received a phone call from a friend who complimented me on my daughter’s wedding invitation. We spoke briefly; then she shared with me that her husband had just lost his job. She then asked me if it would be all right if they postponed their gift until a later date, when they would be in a better position financially.

How or what was the best way to handle this? I was totally thrown off guard and had never heard of anyone doing something like this.

My attitude has always been, “If you can’t afford to tip, you shouldn’t be going to a restaurant.” I would have said we are unable to attend the reception due to finances; however, we will be there to see her get married. Am I wrong or being too sensitive?

Gentle Reader: Wrong and insensitive is more like it.

Miss Manners will begin with your etiquette misdemeanors and build up to your crime against the very foundation of manners:

1. You are wrong that wedding presents must be given at the time of the wedding. Anything up to a year afterward is acceptable.

2. You are even more wrong to believe that presents are a condition of admission to a wedding celebration.

3. Your reaction to the misfortune of someone you call a friend is so wrong it is frightening. The correct response would have been, “Don’t even think about that. The important thing is that we want you there.”

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.