When a Town of Tonawanda man’s independence became jeopardized by old age and failing health, his daughter moved in to provide round-the-clock care. She was just starting her own family but made the sacrifice so her elderly father could enjoy his remaining years in a familiar and comfortable environment.

When he died, she snagged all of his possessions and planned to sell the house and pocket the money, a reward for being his primary caregiver.

But her three older half-brothers, who resided out of town, had other plans. They felt slighted, and they demanded their share of their father’s estate.

Their half-sister wouldn’t budge. And the outraged brothers also stood their ground.

The family feud inevitably landed in court. But the bickering siblings were quickly racking up legal bills with no settlement in sight.

So they turned to a new kind of geriatric specialist –an elder care mediator. The mediator facilitated civil heart-to-heart sessions that gave birth to an agreement in just three meetings. The daughter got half of the $150,000 from the sale of their father’s house and the sons split the other $75,000.

“The first session was very tense and emotional,” said Timothy Mordaunt, the attorney and elder care mediator who worked with the family. “The one brother was just expressing hurt and anger; he was distraught because they didn’t get anything from their father, nothing to remember him by. And the sister was angry because she’d been here doing all the work, taking care of Dad on a regular basis, and raising a family.

“They got to express the hurt and they were addressed effectively and they understood where the other was coming from. And by the last session, they focused on what was really important and honored their father by working through

a resolution that was respectful and accommodating for all parties.”

As Sandra G. Boodman reported recently in the Washington Post: “In the past decade or so, the use of mediation, increasingly common in divorce and child-custody cases, has expanded into a new realm. Mediators, many of whom have legal training, help splintered families resolve highly emotional disputes over the care and finances of aging parents, the allocation of estates, even end-of-life treatment.”

And with the rapid growth of the country’s senior citizen population, their baby boomer children increasingly seek elder care mediators when decisions regarding issues such as their parents’ health proxy, power of attorney, housing decisions and finances become contentious. Child and Family Services’ Center for Resolution and Justice has been mediating disputes related to senior citizens for decades, but last year it formally introduced its free elder care mediation program.

“Western New York has a really large aging population and it just seems to be a really good fit for what we’re doing,” said Julie Loesch, an attorney who is the director of the Center for Resolution and Justice. “A lot more users of our services are adult siblings in conflict about Mom and Dad. We are responding to the community.”

Elder care mediation isn’t just used to settle squabbling family members’ disagreements; it can break other stalemates that involve senior citizens. Alice J. Rudnick, the principal court analyst for the Alternative Dispute Resolution and Court Improvement Programs at the state’s Office of Court Administration, said elder care mediation is a developing practice that began in the 1990s.

“It’s a safe, confidential and volunteer process in which a neutral mediator assists participants in difficult conversations relating to issues that occur as result of life cycle events, transitions and/or losses often associated with aging,” Rudnick said.

Mediation in general tends to be cost-effective. The Town of Tonawanda siblings would have had to pay at least $5,000 for each of their lawyers, plus court fees had they continued to fight each other. Mediation was less than $2,000, a cost they shared. The Center for Resolution and Justice’s free program is funded by a grant from the Alternative Dispute Resolution and Court Improvement Programs, and offered throughout the eight counties of Western New York.

The process is not only less expensive than a court proceeding; it’s designed to be less adversarial, preserving relationships and keeping families intact.

“Mediation is less expensive financially and emotionally,” said Mordaunt, whose office is located in Williamsville. “In court, they’ll get a legal compromise, an acceptable ‘dissatisfaction’ because no one’s happy with the outcome. And at the end of the day, are they going to be able to get together for Thanksgiving dinner? I don’t think so.”

Laurie Menzies, an elder law attorney with Pfalzgraf Beinhauer& Menzies in Cheektowaga, who has begun the training to become an elder care mediator, works with clients to settle impasses out of court. She said decades-old issues, painful vestiges from childhood, are often at the root of the fighting.

“What people fight about is not worth the lawyer fees, it’s more emotional, and it shouldn’t be in a courtroom,” Menzies said. “It should be worked out within the family somehow; it suits the family better.”

Elder care mediation awareness is just starting to grow locally. Loesch said the center’s program has seen an increase in users, but it remains “the best kept secret.”

Mordaunt, an attorney with a focus in the areas of elder law, probate and estate planning, is an accredited mediator, board member and former president of the New York State Council on Divorce Mediation. He is an advanced practitioner in the Association for Conflict Resolution and also a member of the New York State Dispute Resolution Association. But in his 15 years of mediating, only four of his cases were elder care.

Rudnick said there’s a general lack of awareness of the option. The state’s Office of Alternative Dispute Resolution&Court Improvement Programs offers training in elder care mediation. But first, mediators have to take 40 hours of general mediation, offered locally at the Center for Resolution and Justice.

Rudnick developed the curriculum six years ago and tailored it to educate mediators about issues specific to the senior citizen population and the aging process, including elder law, geriatric management services, family dynamics and changing roles and responsibilities.

Mediation is increasingly being recommended by lawyers and judges to families for whom a temporary stalemate or long-term estrangement has ballooned into a full-blown crisis, often triggered by parental disability. Mediators say their job is not to dictate a solution but establish a framework for making decisions and to forge a consensus that fits the family.

“We focus on communication skills and analyzing family dynamics, and trying to get everyone on board,” said lawyer Janet Mitchell, who directs the Midwest Mediation Training Center in Fort Wayne, Ind., and is co-founder of the website Eldercare- Mediators.com. “Families are typically pretty bad off before they hire us.”

Many participants are reluctant to discuss their experiences. Despite positive outcomes, many clients feel “there’s a negative connotation to mediation,” said Massachusetts mediator Rikk Larsen. Families may be embarrassed at having to hire a professional to help make decisions.

Elder mediation can be complicated by the sheer number of participants; divorce cases, by contrast, involve two people. Sometimes financial planners, clergy and estate lawyers attend mediation sessions.

Before the formal group sessions, mediators typically contact each party for a private phone conversation to elicit the participant’s perspective on key issues, calls that take anywhere from 15 minutes to three hours.

“I have to attend to each person and hear and acknowledge their concerns,” said Mordaunt, who meets with individuals before the actual mediation starts.

Larsen said sometimes family members refuse to attend. Mediation can still occur, to a degree. “We can’t do a mediation without an important party, such as the kid who has power of attorney or the one who’s doing the caregiving,” Larsen said.

Group sessions occur at the family home, in a nursing home, hospital room or mediator’s office. Mordaunt’s sessions are held in the families’ residences, where they are more comfortable and willing to talk. His office’s mediation room is also a relaxing atmosphere with the soothing sound of water flowing from a blue fountain, stained glass butterflies and crystals adorned on a round table, where participants gather. Although they are both lawyers, Menzies and Mordaunt agree the country’s culture has become too litigious.

“People don’t talk anymore and courts are a default,” Mordaunt said. “Everyone is filled with rights and a sense of entitlement.” But mediation provides an opportunity for a good, old-fashioned heart-to-heart.

“Sometimes it’s not about the money, all they want is an apology,” he said. “Mediation allows people to communicate and save their relationships. It’s an opportunity for healing, forgiveness and new beginnings.”

esapong@buffnews.comnull