Dear Miss Manners: I will be in a conversation with a friend, just the two of us, and she will pick up her tablet computer to search the Internet for some detail related to something one of us just said.
Then she will notice a link to something else of interest, and she never again fully rejoins the conversation. She continues to look at the computer and browse, while also continuing to approximate conversation or sometimes just narrating what she is viewing.
She is an adult, and, as Miss Manners rightly says, one must not attempt to teach manners to anyone but one’s own children. Or at least, one must not appear to do so. So how do I gracefully say, “Stop that, or I am leaving”? I don’t want to just leave without first giving her a chance to modify her behavior.
Gentle Reader: Ah, yes, a common hazard, unknown to Miss Manners’ predecessors.
The seductive part is that disputed or forgotten facts that surface in conversation can now be checked on the spot. This is a decidedly mixed blessing.
The person who was right gets to triumph immediately, rather than resorting to the dismal choice between letting it go and reviving a dead dispute. Yet instant research has a discouraging effect on conversation and an encouraging one on pedants.
Your friend has compounded the problem by veering off into the unfortunately common rudeness of snubbing an actual person in favor of playing with her own toy. You can find something else to do, if you say, “Well, I won’t disturb you. We’ll talk when you have finished your research.” It might even be best to leave before she says, “Oh, I can do both.”
New dad begs for gifts
Dear Miss Manners: My nephew and his wife recently had a baby boy. A baby shower was given to them a few months prior to the birth of their son. Their requested gifts were, I deemed, a little bit extravagant, and about 90 percent of the guests just gave them clothes and other minor items.
Since the birth of the baby, my nephew has been posting pictures on Facebook. He recently added an application for people to give him gifts. When I click on the application, no suggestions are given for gifts for the baby; instead, the suggestions are for gifts for my nephew.
I feel my nephew is taking advantage of friends’ and family’s potential generosity, as he seems to take any and every opportunity to request gifts. Am I out of touch with today’s social norms regarding gift-giving, or is it now completely acceptable to ask friends and family to even pay for a wedding (which he did, much to my shock!)? Please advise.
Gentle Reader: Taking advantage? Your nephew is a panhandler.
Miss Manners is sorry to have to tell you this, but the chief difference between begging on the Internet and begging on the street is that street beggars can’t afford computers and actually need assistance.
Her advice is to treat these solicitations as you would any other spurious appeal and find worthier objects for your charity.
Teaching kids thank you
Dear Miss Manners: Are the rules for teachers different? As a parent, I have sent in countless gifts to the teachers, with the giver listed as one of my children. In about half the cases, the teacher sends a thank-you to the child.
How I relish watching my children receive those thank-yous! It reinforces the lessons of good manners and the art of writing thank-yous. My children love receiving those simple notes. But I am deeply disappointed with those teachers who do not write thank-yous. Am I expecting too much?
Gentle Reader: Well, you are expecting teachers to set good examples and to understand, as you do, how much this means to children. As overworked and underpaid as teachers are, Miss Manners would expect them to feel the effort was worthwhile.