Dear Readers: It’s April Fools’ Day, the day on which I share some offbeat letters and examples of readers’ efforts to pull my leg. It’s all in fun – so enjoy!
Dear Abby: My husband and I have been married almost 10 years. He has always been a good husband, but recently he has been coming home increasingly late. He says he’s putting in overtime.
The other day when I was doing the laundry, I discovered a red stain on his underwear. He said they were painting the bathroom at work and he had gotten paint on it when he used the facilities, but it looks more like lipstick to me.
Can you tell me how to get the lipstick out of his shorts?
– Good Housewife in Utah
Dear Good Housewife: There’s more to marriage than getting whiter whites. You may be a great housewife, but you’re missing the big picture. More important than getting the lipstick out of his shorts is keeping his shorts away from the lipstick. And that’s no joke.
It’s potty time
Dear Abby: My girlfriend just moved in, and we’re going to have a party to celebrate. We have decided to have it here, but the problem is we have just one bathroom.
I think we should rent a porta-potty. We could put it in the hallway next to the dining room. My girlfriend thinks that’s tacky, but I think it’s a sensible solution. Because this is a fourth-floor walk-up, the porta-potty folks may charge extra to deliver it. Advice, please?
– Tom and Nancy in New York
Dear Tom and Nancy: Gladly. CHARGE for the use of the porta-potty and two things will happen: You will make enough money to reimburse yourself for the delivery cost, and so few guests will accept your invitations in the future that your one bathroom will be able to accommodate them.
Dear Abby: My wife and I and our teenage son came home from a family get-together, and after he went to bed, my wife told me she wants to get a new, “bouncier” bed. We don’t want to wake up our son with the noise of our enjoying it. What kind of bed do you recommend?
– Mr. Romance in Oregon
Dear Mr. Romance: Forget the bed and buy a trampoline. And if your son asks why, tell him you’re training to join the circus.
Start a fight?
Dear Abby: How can I give my boyfriend makeup sex if we never have an argument?
– Miss Bliss in Indiana
Dear Miss Bliss: That’s a good question. If you figure out the answer, let me know.