Dear Abby: My 25-year-old son, “Mark,” lives at home, has a full-time job and dates a girl, “Julia,” who is a minister’s daughter. He keeps bringing her to our home on occasions when she’s “sick” or needs to catch an early flight and he needs to drive her to the airport.
Julia is studying premed and Mark thinks she’s wonderful and smart. Abby, when she’s here, she holes up in his room and never comes out. She’s as quiet as a mouse.
When she visits she stays down in our den and ignores the rest of us the entire time, as does Mark. After the holidays, she left without wishing us “Happy Holidays” or even giving us a card. I had a present for her but didn’t give it to her because I decided I wouldn’t go out of my way for a person who ignores me.
I want my son to move out. I do not want this girl sleeping over or staying under my roof anymore. I don’t like her. What should I do? My mother says I should put my foot down and send my grown son out the door. She says I need to grow a spine, but I’m afraid!
– Mama In Ohio
Dear Mama: You are dealing with two separate issues. Your son is seriously involved with a girl who either never learned basic good manners or who may be pathologically shy. You and your husband should talk privately with Mark and find out exactly what her problem is. You also need to establish some ground rules for when she visits, so you don’t feel shut out under your own roof.
Adult “children” live with their parents for various reasons. Some can’t afford to live independently; others are trying to save money to buy a home of their own. I don’t know Mark’s reason and neither will you if you don’t address this with him.
Your mother may be right. It may be time for him to move. But what concerns me about what has been going on is the lack of communication and a certain lack of respect. And nothing will change unless you and your husband insist upon it.