For an advanced people, we sure have a lot of problems with our pants. You wouldn’t think pants would be that big of a challenge. You put your right leg in, you put your left leg in, and you shake it all about – no wait, that’s the Hokey Pokey.
Pants: You put one leg in, you put the other leg in, zip, snap, you’re done. Yet we struggle.
In January, a small eclectic band of subway riders indulged themselves in No Pants Subway Day. They rode the subway without pants.
Is it wrong to hope they got frostbite?
For years we have endured the mystery of young men whose pants kept sliding down their backsides. Fortunately, that trend has faded and you don’t see as much of those fellas anymore. Literally.
Now the prevailing confusion is over which pants do you wear to sleep in and which pants do you wear in public.
The first time I saw pajama pants in public was at a hotel with a breakfast bar. Three kids shuffled into the dining room wearing pajamas. A small odiferous cloud trailed behind them. I wondered what their mother was thinking. Seconds later she appeared wearing pajama pants, too. A medium odiferous cloud trailed behind her.
One of the boys went over to the waffle maker, started a waffle, stood there while it cooked, picked a sleeper from his eye, and then vigorously scratched his backside.
Just like that, the whole dining area magically cleared. They had the waffle maker and entire breakfast bar to themselves.
Today you can go to the grocery, the mall or a fast-food place and see people in pajama pants. It used to be you never saw anyone in their PJ’s unless you were 8 years old and at a slumber party.
It is more likely to be females than males wearing PJ’s in public, but every once in a while you see a grown man wearing his jammie pants, too.
“Love your SpongeBob ’jamma pants, sir!”
I understand there may be unseen circumstances that compel people to wear their jammies out of the house. Some may have sleep disorders and need to lie down with little notice. Others may be lacking opposable thumbs that enable them to maneuver zippers and snaps.
Still, pajama pants draw attention. The implication is that you have slept in them, perhaps even night after night. Which means you just rolled out of bed, didn’t bathe, shower, shampoo, or use deodorant and now here you are at Dunkin’ Donuts.
All I’m saying is this: That’s a pretty thin piece of cotton between you, me, and everything God gave you.
Of course, when it’s all said and done, there’s a silver lining to every cloud. Or in this case, flannel. At least people in pajama pants are wearing pants. Thank you.
Lori Borgman’s tongue-in-cheek book, “The Death of Common Sense and Profiles of Those Who Knew Him” is available online. Contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org