Dear Miss Manners: I’ve sent nearly all my Christmas letters out this year by email (hard copies to those whose email addresses I don’t have). A friend said this was impersonal; however, he also said that he and his wife had culled their list considerably.
My list was nearly tripled. Who would you say was more “impersonal,” one who “touched” three times more of their friends, or those who touched far fewer of their friends than they did just last year?
Gentle Reader: You are being more impersonal. Sorry.
Quantity is easy with email – only too easy, Miss Manners believes. Everybody’s inbox is cluttered with polemics, jokes, warnings and copies of memos that concern only the primary addressee. The only touching going on here is your finger on Send All and perhaps the recipients’ fingers on Delete.
In contrast, your friends are presumably culling their lists in the interest of quality, dropping the exchanges that have, over time, become meaningless. Miss Manners submits that saving others from having to wonder, “Who on earth are these people – I don’t know them, do you?” is a form of thoughtfulness.
Paying wedding tab
Dear Miss Manners: When enough money is put into a wedding envelope to cover your meals, drinks and extra for bride and groom, and your meal is not up to standard or good, how do you handle this? Do you let someone know, and who? Or do you just forget it and say nothing, so you don’t hurt anyone’s feelings?
Gentle Reader: Oh, dear. Miss Manners really shouldn’t be surprised at this, although that doesn’t lessen the shock.
It is, after all, the natural outcome of the false, vulgar and widespread idea that wedding guests are supposed to pay for their meals through the money-laundering system of calling their payments wedding presents.
If you were, in fact, contracting to buy a meal from a commercial establishment, you would be right to complain. But instead, you accepted the hospitality of people about whom you presumably care enough to attend their wedding and present them with a token of your affection. If not, you should not have gone. But you did, so you have no right to complain.
Still in mourning
Dear Miss Manners: How does one reply to an invitation while one is in mourning, from deep mourning to almost the end of a mourning period?
Gentle Reader: By thanking the would-be hosts and saying, “I’m not going out socially now; I’m in mourning.” Miss Manners is afraid that you must keep repeating this while they lecture you about how the living must go on living, the deceased would have wanted you to go out, it’s time to achieve closure, and so on. Please don’t let it get to you.
Gifts are no surprise
Dear Miss Manners: My brother and I (who live in different cities) are exchanging gifts via the Internet. Each of us thought that the retailer we were ordering from would gift-wrap before shipping the selected gift to the other one’s address, but it turned out not to be so.
Now we are each faced with having to wrap our own presents (we each live alone), then unwrapping them and pretending surprise. Not that we aren’t up to the task, but we were wondering what is the proper etiquette for gift wrapping when sending gifts via Internet.
Gentle Reader: As you and your brother are old enough to live on your own, Miss Manners would think you would be old enough to dispense with the charade of faking surprise on Christmas Day. If not, she suggests that you leave all pre-Christmas packages unopened in their mailing wrappings until then.