Q: My fiancé and I have been together for a few years, and our relationship is wonderful. We have our ups and downs, but I’m ready to have a family and spend the rest of my life with him. We’re both relatively young, in our mid-20s, and he was laid off from his good-paying corporate job four months ago. He has been looking for work without any luck. Our bills have been piling up and are proving to be more expensive than we realized.
I have a full-time job, and the pay is decent, but our wedding is coming up in a few months, and I’m wondering if we should wait to get married until we’re in a financially secure position. I haven’t asked him about it because I don’t want to make him think that his not having a job is making me not want to marry him. It’s not that at all. I am just afraid that the expense of the wedding will put us deeper into debt. What do you think?
– K.P., West Seneca
A: It sounds like you are confident in the relationship the two of you have, and you seem to have a good, rational head on your shoulders as well. However, it’s time to have this talk with your fiancé. Since the loss of his job, he has probably been going through his own internal struggle. He might feel embarrassed or disappointed in himself, and his confidence has probably taken a hit. It’s important that he knows that it’s not his fault, you don’t blame him, and that no matter what, you will continue to stick by him.
If he is willing to compromise, it might be best to postpone the wedding until the two of you are back on your feet financially. There are other options, though; if you have some money saved up you could scale it down, reduce the number of invites, have a reception at a family home, or economize in other ways. For example, sit down dinners are often more expensive than buffet style, and DJ’s are less expensive than a band. There is also the option of eloping and having the party later. Either way, talk with him and make this decision together.
He quits, or you do
Q: I just found out that the guy I’ve been seeing is addicted to pain killers. He has been hiding it from me, but I recently found the pills in his apartment. After confronting him, he admitted that it has been going on for the last few years, and that he has no intention of getting off of them. We have not been together that long, but I do love him. How do I handle this? Should I leave him?
– D.A., Tonawanda
A: You can give him an ultimatum, but he already has made it clear that he has no desire to seek help for his drug problem. This does not mean that he doesn’t care about you, it just means that his addiction has the power.
I cannot give you much advice about how to handle his addiction, and whether you leave him is your decision. But, as a matchmaker, a dating coach and a mother, I would advise you to run the other way, especially since the relationship is relatively new. I understand that you love him, and that leaving is much easier said than done, but there are plenty of fish in the sea. Each of us deserves what we give out in a relationship, and you’re young with your whole life in front of you.
Patti Novak owns Buffalo Niagara Introductions (www.buffaloniagara intro.com). Email questions to firstname.lastname@example.org and include your initials and hometown.