As you probably know, I am an unapologetic liberal. My name appears on a national liberal registry; when moving into a new neighborhood, I have to go door to door and sheepishly inform people that one of my kind is living in their midst. My point is, it should come as no surprise to you that I dislike the Second Amendment and think it should be repealed as obsolete.
When the Second Amendment was written, the majority of Americans needed firearms. Life was rough and tumble. You had to shoot coyotes for meat. You sometimes had to shoot spiders for meat. If Ichabod the wagon master called your missis a strumpet, you had to kill him. Plus, you might have to form citizen militias to repel invading British troops, which was not as hard as it sounds because they marched 12 abreast and played drums and fifes to let you know where they were. But, still, it took guns.
Things are different now. Today, most private weapons are owned by a class of rural hobbyists known as "gun enthusiasts," a term newspapers came up with to avoid saying "paranoiacs in bib overalls." These are the sort of people who advertise on armslist.com, my favorite website in the whole world since yesterday, when I learned that it is giving away an AK-47, with mounted bayonet, to the person who brings the most new traffic to its site.
I want that gun. Please help me get it.
Now, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking: Why would a genuine recidivist liberal want to own a gas-operated assault rifle that fires projectiles engineered to tumble and fragment in flesh, producing maximum tissue damage; a weapon that is the favorite of Mexican drug cartels and international terrorist organizations; the very weapon found in Osama bin Laden's bedroom? The answer is that if I win, I will have the gun professionally converted into a plowshare, which I will then donate to an Amish village.
But that can't happen unless you go to the website and look around a bit. You'll see it's a type of Craigslist for gun enthusiasts, and I think you'll find it as exciting as I do. Believe me, I say this with all the sincerity of a man who really, really wants to win an AK-47.
Plus, by familiarizing yourself with this site, you will learn not to judge people too harshly: Gun enthusiasts are not without other interests. It's not all about guns, guns, guns with them. It's also about blackjacks, "spring-assisted stilettos," flamethrowers, firearms concealment vests, and, I swear, grenade launchers. One guy in Oklahoma is selling two homemade cannons that fire bowling balls.
Also, a great deal of good old American bartering goes on. One man in North Carolina is looking for "a small handgun, something I can slide in my front pocket," and offers, in return, college-level tutoring in Shakespeare. (Ha. I kid because I love. He'll cut up your dead deer.)
Actually, one barterer is an artist. He wants to sell his services in return for a concealed weapon. He does tattoos, and links to some samples of his oeuvre, including a drawing of a man with a cigarette up one nostril and a cigar up the other.
OK, so by now you know what you have to do. To make sure your clicks will be credited to me, you have to enter through this portal -- http://tinyurl.com/6ph8r3q -- which the site administrators made specially for me.
Now, you might be wondering why they'd cooperate with a card-carrying liberal who was going to make fun of them. The answer is that I never told them exactly what kind of column I wrote, and I'm betting they didn't look it up. They'll be figuring it out right about now, when they're getting a whole passel of clicks from Democrats with advanced degrees.
In conclusion, http://tinyurl.com/6ph8r3q. Thank you.