A plea to other addicts: ‘You will regret not paying attention to this message’
The Buffalo News received an anonymous letter written by a man recently convicted and awaiting sentencing for viewing child pornography. The News confirmed the man’s identity before publishing his letter.
As a man who was involved with and ultimately arrested for possessing child pornography I believe I can relate to the roller coaster ride of emotions and pain others will experience if they, too, are compromising their lives and the lives of the innocent in their pernicious pursuit of child pornography.
Last year at 6:00 a.m. my home was raided. There was no mistake as I saw more than 10 agents wearing FBI insignias that were here because I was engaged in child pornography. The event was terrifying. I was taken into a spare bedroom while my wife was taken to a separate area, both to be fully interrogated. I knew, of course, of my wife’s innocence, which brought me instant shame and guilt, as I was responsible for her distress and fear.
I was told I would then be arrested and taken to a court holding center to be charged and appear before a federal judge. I briefly spoke with my wife, we hugged and cried and I was led away.
At the FBI center I was further interrogated, given a lie detector exam and then placed in a cell with a cot and toilet.
I was called before the judge. I would have to retain a lawyer. I was informed of a law that requires all sex offenders to wear an electronic monitoring system.
The last shocking and humiliating event was being photographed and fingerprinted by agents.
•••
My wife picked me up at the courthouse and we drove home in silence. No sooner had we gotten home the telephone rang.
Family members called and friends called. Mostly I said that I was in trouble and that I would share developments with them as soon as I knew more. I called others to share my guilt and humiliation. Friends were shocked. Some angered. Most cried with me as they knew the severity of my crime. Many vowed support. They showed and gave me more empathy than I had given those innocent victims portrayed in child pictures.
Let me briefly add feelings of empathy for the children who are forced or coerced to perform sexual acts or to be photographed for the perverse entertainment of others. This story is about them, but my message goes to those who take advantage of them and to those who contribute to this evil action by going on-line to see this type of perversion.
I called my boss knowing it would be best for him to hear this news from me. We agreed it would be best for me to leave the firm. Reality was setting in! I had lost my income and respect from the business world.
Whether you are young or old you will feel the impact of your own “situation.” Here is a list of life changing losses that I, and you, will experience.
I cannot be alone with my grandchildren. For me this has been the single most devastating impact of my arrest.
I must not travel beyond Western New York and I must be in my home by 9 p.m. each evening.
I must remove all firearms from my home.
I must wear an electronic monitoring ankle bracelet and pay $100 each month for its use.
I must give up my passport. I won’t be able to vote.
I will have to give up my membership to a national charitable club I belong to.
I will not be able to coach any team with children.
It is difficult to express my emotions. There are other reminders of what has changed in my life.
We have a winter home down south. I did not go last winter and have no prospect to visit there and see close friends who live nearby.
We went to Europe two years ago and had planned to take our grandchildren this year or next. There is now no opportunity for that. Given my curfew of 9 p.m. my wife and I can’t take an evening drive to get an ice cream cone. When we go to parties we are the first to leave. If the grandchildren visit for a sleepover and want a bonfire I make excuses why I must go inside the house. Sometimes they sleep over and breakfast lacks juice or other items requiring a trip to the store. My wife cannot go as I will be left with the kids, and I have to sneak out otherwise the kids would want to go with me — which they can’t.
•••
I choose not to discuss my personal case and what lies immediately ahead. I know the likelihood of going to prison.
A therapist I have been seeing has helped immensely. He has made me mindful that children who may appear in images could very well be someone I know. “What if, he would say, the person you see before you is your granddaughter?” I had never given that any thought — nor seemed to care, possibly.
In closing, have I helped you? Strangely, I have helped myself. I am not proud of what I have done. I hope you have the strength to do what is right and that you have family or friends that can help you. You will regret not paying attention to this message.
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