New York City Mayor Bloomberg’s plan to ban sugary sodas fizzled when a judge struck down the ban. Bloomberg’s restrictions were so detailed that some establishments had already created colorful posters with graphics and pictures to explain to the children, I mean the customers, what they could and could not do.
Mommy Bloomberg, I mean Mayor Bloomberg, planned to institute regulations that would jolt morning coffee drinkers. Servers would no longer have been able to add sugar to large or extra large coffee for customers. Customers would have to add the poison themselves. After adding the sugar, perps would then sit in the time-out corner for 15 minutes, or until they were willing to look Mommy Bloomberg in the eye and say they were sorry.
I’m just kidding about the time-out corner. How ridiculous. A far better idea would have been for offenders to write “Sugar is bad for me” 100 times on a smartphone or a tablet. Perhaps photos of repeat offenders, along with their name, weight, waist size, BMI and home address could be distributed to news outlets.
In addition to banning sugary sodas larger than 16 ounces and forcing customers to sweeten their own hot beverages, the new regulations further decreed that New Yorkers would be forced to add their own sugar to their iced beverages as well. The same would have been true for sweet artificial flavors. If you wanted a shot of coconut, orange, cherry, hazelnut, mocha or caramel in your drink, it would be by your own hand and of your own doing, or undoing, according to the mayor’s perspective.
On the up side, potty breaks would still be allowed at the top and bottom of the hour. Rest time would be from 2 until 2:20. Bring your own towel or mat from home.
Many establishments have been forced to change the sizes of their beverages in anticipation of the new regulations.
One can only imagine the chaos this would create at Starbucks, where a tall is already a small, a grande is really a medium, and a venti may get you five-to-life.
One thing that would not change? All New Yorkers would still be encouraged to wash their hands after using the lavatory, cover their mouths when coughing, and say please and thank you.
It is hard to fathom where the mayor might strike next. Alcohol sales restricted to those little bottles the airlines sell? Rationing pizza? Selling carb credits to the golden arches? Labeling chocolate as a controlled substance?
My deepest red, white and blue condolences to freedom-loving, coffee-slurping, soda-craving Americans being treated like imbeciles. It is a nanny state – as well as a very sorry state – when citizens are forced to give up the fundamental liberty of determining what they eat and drink.
Think long and hard before waving the white paper napkin of surrender.
Lori Borgman’s tongue-in-cheek book, “The Death of Common Sense and Profiles of Those Who Knew Him” is available online. Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.