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Dear Abby: My wife and I are both teachers. She hates to call in sick and often teaches class when she says she feels ill. I don’t argue with her.

The problem arises when I am not feeling well. When I am sick and feverish, I’m not inclined to rise from my sickbed and go to work. On those few occasions, my wife objects strenuously. She interrogates me about my symptoms, then makes her own “diagnosis” on the spot. Apparently, her gold standard for staying home is the inability to stand.

This creates a problem for me at work because co-workers are concerned about catching my obvious illness. The last time I felt sick, my wife ordered me to go to work. When I saw a doctor afterward, I was told I had a virus and should be in bed. My wife still objected to my missing work because she considered it to be “just a cough.”

I missed a grand total of two days because of it. On one of them I wasn’t able to stand, the other because I refused to get out of bed. Then, since I was staying home “doing nothing,” my wife insisted I care for our two children (ages 3 and 1), rather than send them to my mother-in-law who baby-sits while we work.

Today a staff member called in sick with the same virus I had. Everyone looked at me as the responsible party.

If I stay home, my wife will dump the kids on me and give me the cold shoulder. If I go to work, I expose my co-workers and perform poorly. Help!

– At A Total Loss in Corpus Christi

Dear Total Loss: It appears you married a woman who is not only lacking in empathy, but also is a controlling, slave-driving witch. Unless you can find the backbone to take control of the situation and stop acting like a victim, your wife will continue to punish you when you’re least able to defend yourself – and nothing will change.

P.S. A teacher with a virus can not only infect co-workers and administrative staff, but also his students – not to mention his own children. Please point that out to “Simone Legree.”

Bill is not on you

Dear Abby: A number of years ago, when two of my sons got married, I paid for two lovely rehearsal dinners among other wedding costs. Both marriages ended in divorce. Now they are both engaged again and planning weddings for next summer.

My question is, how many rehearsal dinners do I have to pay for? And how many other wedding expenses am I expected to pay for the second time around?

– Mother of Grooms in Virginia

Dear Mother of Grooms: From now on, you do not have to pay for anything. The expenses should be paid for by your sons and their brides-to-be, especially if their fiancees have also been married previously.